**********Scene 17, Part 2 - A Spiritual Experience***********
And I remember
when I was ready to give up.
I was lying on my side,
on my bed at Magee rehabilitation hospital,
my back was toward the window, chest facing the lobby…
and my memory had just begun to return, so I was starting to realize
I had changed.
My skills, my brain
me - had all
changed.
So that meant my dreams - my plans - they all had to change as well.
But I didn’t know what I wanted to do Now,
I didn’t know what I Could do now -
Like, I’m being given all these Stupid tests to do -
Oh, can you swallow your food? - Yes, I can swallow -
and then when show that I Can do it, they all celebrate like I’m some…
FOUR year old -
I’M NOT FOUR!!!
And what does it matter, anyway?
As soon as I get one thing done there are ten more do and I was tired…
I wanted to rest…
I was…Done.
And I remember…Sensing someThing
come into the room through the window behind me…
And I didn’t look - I knew no one was there
I was on the sixth floor of the hospital and the window was all bared up - nothing could enter, but Some
thing came into the room…
over to me,
reached out - Touched
my back
Eased into my body.
and for just a moment, I felt…peace…
hope…
And then the sensation passed,
the -
Thing, left
but I remember that moment,
and I didn’t give up.
****************************************************************
In a previous entry, I explained my religious beliefs (My Spiritual Belief) - I am agnostic, leaning toward the atheist side of the question, yet I recognize that The Question is one that I cannot conceive of truly understanding. Thus, I admit “I do not know if there is a God”.
To expand - my questions and quandaries lead me to the suggestion of “No, there is not a God”, but throughout this blog, I highlight the importance and reality of one’s personal story. If a personal story has reality for the storyteller, how can I dispute one who - in his or her personal story - has had the experience of God. Furthermore, how can I dispute the story of such an experience when I am the storyteller.
The moment described in the scene above is what keeps this Question alive in my head.
Please know, I do not take this experience as an answer of “Yes, there is a God” - I can cite hosts of articles that explain or suggest reasons for spiritual hallucinations - objectively critical articles that I would normally trust - but this experience denies and overwhelms any rational explanation.
In a previous entry (again, My Spiritual Belief), I explain my belief in a collective energy and the “serendipity of life” - and I hold to these beliefs - but the experience described above makes me want to believe in something more-guiding-higher-conscious -
Perhaps I want a Deity because it makes a better story?
Whatever the case, I’ll leave you with this - For all the fantasy and reality that these words entail:
Here is my story.
Please note, the scenes appear in reverse order and may cause confusion. To get a clearer understanding of the story, please start with the early entries in the blog. Thanks - enjoy.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
REPOST - My Spiritual Beliefs
Hey everyone -
This is a repost - an entry expressing my personal answer to the question: “Do you believe in God?” I decided to repost because coming up, I have another entry that deals with that question. With this in mind, I want to remind everyone reading how I approach the Question.
Please enjoy, comment below, and share with anyone who might find this site helpful. Thanks.
****************************************************************************************************************
Following the script, the next scene in Who Am I, Again? brings up the experience of God and I feel that discussing the experience of God necessitates the question of God. Furthermore, variations of a holy experience are discussed several times in the piece, so I will take the following entry to provide my answer to the question: Do I (Lethan) believe in God?
If a label must be applied, I am agnostic - I do not claim to know if there is or is not a God. But to answer such an infinite question with a trite word or phrase - I believe/do not believe in God - seems flawed, so follow this:
We start by defining “God”. I do not believe in the personified image of God - big dude, long beard, massive finger that he points at things with - this example is comical, but images of God in human form are consistently used to present God as an understandable concept - God? We’re just like him. As a storyteller, I understand the use of this idea, but do not subscribe to it - nor do I believe that most “believers” honestly view God in this humanoid form. By my understanding, if God exists, God must be a force of perfect infinity that exceeds our even conceiving of comprehending its completeness of perfection. If a concept is, by definition, beyond comprehension, how can I even hope of comprehending of it. This leads to my agnostic view - not from a lack of thinking about the question, but a recognition that, by my logic, I cannot know. If prodded, I would place myself on the atheist side of the agnostic spectrum - I find too many logical conundrums in the concept of God and would prefer objective evidence - but similarly, when reexamining this story, I have not found a fully satisfying answer that explains divine experiences - personal or collected from interviews. For these reasons, I cannot claim to know whether God as a conscientious force exists - it is beyond me.
I do, however, believe in a collective energy - a force that might guide the course of macro and micro universal events. I use the words “might guide” because sometimes this guidance happens, and other times not. This is the energy that creates sudden serendipities from unexpected events - the odd decision to visit a new coffee shop where you meet the person who changes your life - going to work and being fired on the exact day you were planning on quitting - the situations are always specific improbabilities that, while improbable, nevertheless happen.
The serendipity of life.
When examining the timeline of my life, there are many unrepeatable moments that have brought me to my current location. These are moments that could have taken any of infinite other different directions, but for some particularity of what happened, that moment changed my life; moments in my life - apart from the accident - I think of approaching the local librarian about storytelling and being taken under his wing to find an unexpected career path - of deciding to try out a boardgames event where I met my girlfriend (now of nearly 3 years) - of visiting my philosophy professor and hearing her tell of her son’s experience teaching abroad in South Korea - the list could continue indefinitely.
I challenge you (the reader) to look at your timeline of life and recognize improbable decisions or occurrences that brought you to where you are now - maybe how you met your husband or wife, your current employment, where you currently live; something brought you to where you are now, and I suggest - more often than not - some of those events were almost absurdly improbable. It is events such as these that I feel come from the energy or serendipity of life.
In a similar way, I do feel the course of this serendipitous energy is affected by people. Groups coming together creates a powerful energy - as is demonstrated countless times in history - and if the motivation behind this energy is positive and pure, I recognize that great good can occur. Some might suggest that the energy I describe is God by another name - and I have no problem with that - I don’t use the term “God” because I do not apply an independent consciousness or motivation to the energy. I also do not imbue this energy with any objective “good” - the same way positive energy can lift one up, negative or despairing energy can drag one down and may produce a negative result.
Please recognize this is NOT a suggestion of a “alternate religion” or a substitute for religion - this is simply my views on spirituality and what I believe about divine power. I also encourage you to hold your personal beliefs, provided they do not lead to harmful action toward yourself or other people, and I am glad if your belief helps your life. As an agnostic, I acknowledge that do not have the knowledge to determine what is divinely real, but this is the set of beliefs that helps me to find peace in the incomprehensible universe.
This is where I come from when discussing God. Please note, I do not intend this belief to discredit or explain away any experiences of God - experience in any form is ineffable (too great to adequately communicate) and the experience of God is, again by definition, incomprehensible by anyone other than the person experiencing. Instead, when discussing an experience of God, I will describe what this experience represents and/or questions it raises.
This was written to explain what I believe in my spirituality and to encourage conversation. Beliefs are a near impossible thing to change through discussion, and I don’t seek to change any beliefs you have, but I would love to hear your thoughts - ideas that support or refute my beliefs will be encouraged, as long as they are delivered respectfully and without malice.
I also recognize that, as of now, these ideas are somewhat abstract and might seem a little “hocus pocus-ie” - I do not intend this and do not feel fully satisfied with my above presentation, but don't want to risk losing the focus and momentum of this blog because I’m stuck on an idea. With that in mind, I would appreciate your questions to help me recognize where I need further clarification.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to your responses.
This is a repost - an entry expressing my personal answer to the question: “Do you believe in God?” I decided to repost because coming up, I have another entry that deals with that question. With this in mind, I want to remind everyone reading how I approach the Question.
Please enjoy, comment below, and share with anyone who might find this site helpful. Thanks.
****************************************************************************************************************
Following the script, the next scene in Who Am I, Again? brings up the experience of God and I feel that discussing the experience of God necessitates the question of God. Furthermore, variations of a holy experience are discussed several times in the piece, so I will take the following entry to provide my answer to the question: Do I (Lethan) believe in God?
If a label must be applied, I am agnostic - I do not claim to know if there is or is not a God. But to answer such an infinite question with a trite word or phrase - I believe/do not believe in God - seems flawed, so follow this:
We start by defining “God”. I do not believe in the personified image of God - big dude, long beard, massive finger that he points at things with - this example is comical, but images of God in human form are consistently used to present God as an understandable concept - God? We’re just like him. As a storyteller, I understand the use of this idea, but do not subscribe to it - nor do I believe that most “believers” honestly view God in this humanoid form. By my understanding, if God exists, God must be a force of perfect infinity that exceeds our even conceiving of comprehending its completeness of perfection. If a concept is, by definition, beyond comprehension, how can I even hope of comprehending of it. This leads to my agnostic view - not from a lack of thinking about the question, but a recognition that, by my logic, I cannot know. If prodded, I would place myself on the atheist side of the agnostic spectrum - I find too many logical conundrums in the concept of God and would prefer objective evidence - but similarly, when reexamining this story, I have not found a fully satisfying answer that explains divine experiences - personal or collected from interviews. For these reasons, I cannot claim to know whether God as a conscientious force exists - it is beyond me.
I do, however, believe in a collective energy - a force that might guide the course of macro and micro universal events. I use the words “might guide” because sometimes this guidance happens, and other times not. This is the energy that creates sudden serendipities from unexpected events - the odd decision to visit a new coffee shop where you meet the person who changes your life - going to work and being fired on the exact day you were planning on quitting - the situations are always specific improbabilities that, while improbable, nevertheless happen.
The serendipity of life.
When examining the timeline of my life, there are many unrepeatable moments that have brought me to my current location. These are moments that could have taken any of infinite other different directions, but for some particularity of what happened, that moment changed my life; moments in my life - apart from the accident - I think of approaching the local librarian about storytelling and being taken under his wing to find an unexpected career path - of deciding to try out a boardgames event where I met my girlfriend (now of nearly 3 years) - of visiting my philosophy professor and hearing her tell of her son’s experience teaching abroad in South Korea - the list could continue indefinitely.
I challenge you (the reader) to look at your timeline of life and recognize improbable decisions or occurrences that brought you to where you are now - maybe how you met your husband or wife, your current employment, where you currently live; something brought you to where you are now, and I suggest - more often than not - some of those events were almost absurdly improbable. It is events such as these that I feel come from the energy or serendipity of life.
In a similar way, I do feel the course of this serendipitous energy is affected by people. Groups coming together creates a powerful energy - as is demonstrated countless times in history - and if the motivation behind this energy is positive and pure, I recognize that great good can occur. Some might suggest that the energy I describe is God by another name - and I have no problem with that - I don’t use the term “God” because I do not apply an independent consciousness or motivation to the energy. I also do not imbue this energy with any objective “good” - the same way positive energy can lift one up, negative or despairing energy can drag one down and may produce a negative result.
Please recognize this is NOT a suggestion of a “alternate religion” or a substitute for religion - this is simply my views on spirituality and what I believe about divine power. I also encourage you to hold your personal beliefs, provided they do not lead to harmful action toward yourself or other people, and I am glad if your belief helps your life. As an agnostic, I acknowledge that do not have the knowledge to determine what is divinely real, but this is the set of beliefs that helps me to find peace in the incomprehensible universe.
This is where I come from when discussing God. Please note, I do not intend this belief to discredit or explain away any experiences of God - experience in any form is ineffable (too great to adequately communicate) and the experience of God is, again by definition, incomprehensible by anyone other than the person experiencing. Instead, when discussing an experience of God, I will describe what this experience represents and/or questions it raises.
This was written to explain what I believe in my spirituality and to encourage conversation. Beliefs are a near impossible thing to change through discussion, and I don’t seek to change any beliefs you have, but I would love to hear your thoughts - ideas that support or refute my beliefs will be encouraged, as long as they are delivered respectfully and without malice.
I also recognize that, as of now, these ideas are somewhat abstract and might seem a little “hocus pocus-ie” - I do not intend this and do not feel fully satisfied with my above presentation, but don't want to risk losing the focus and momentum of this blog because I’m stuck on an idea. With that in mind, I would appreciate your questions to help me recognize where I need further clarification.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to your responses.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Scene 17, Part 1 - The Job Ahead
************Scene 17, Part 1 - The Job Ahead***************
But more pictures begin to stick,
And I remember faces, voices, events…
and I remember it was hard, and,
Frustrating.
Embarrassing
I mean, here I was, a seventeen year old boy,
having to be retaught how to Do things I knew I should Know how to do…
like,
Like Walking -
Walking Technique…
heel, toe, heel, toe, heel toe…
But I wasn’t doing it right, so I had to keep practicing…
Heel, toe,
heel…
******************************************************
Recovery from brain injury means going through the motions of recovery - facing the reality of one’s situation and learning/remembering how to do everything you already know - again.
I remember a strange disconnect in my brain - a personal and social recognition that I should be able to do these things, and thus I attempted to complete the trials presented to me by therapists with a dismissive ease - but I couldn’t realistically complete these tasks with such ease - many could only be completed with concentrated effort and assisted focus - a plodding process. And I felt shame when my achievement of some menial task received vigorous applause - here I was, a youth on the cusp of adulthood and my rehabilitation therapists are celebrating when I complete physical and cognitive tests suitable for a toddler. My mind translated their praise into mockery.
In retrospect, I recognize that I was fortunate to have had such an encouraging team of therapists and supporters surrounding me and offering praise - an alternative could have been criticism toward my slow pace of recovery, demeaning my progress - I recognize this now, but at the time it didn’t matter because I was ashamed of my struggles.
These emotions are not unique. In my interviews I spoke with several other survivors who told me about similar embarrassment or shame, and this feeling makes sense - a survivor is discovering his or her new abilities, and these abilities are changing every day, especially during early recovery - meanwhile there is a cognitive attempt to connect the story of the past person to the person the survivor is now. In tandem with this, a survivor often hears stories of the past shared by supporters - these are stories that hold a subjective “truth” for the supporter sharing the story, but this “truth” may not coincide with the survivor’s current - or previous - self-image, and while attempting to rediscover/redefine personal identity the survivor needs to navigate this barrage of narratives seeking some more genuine personal truth while continuing to be unsure of his or her ability - all of which easily leads to the monologue:
“What did I do before? Why can’t I remember what they tell me? Was I better before? Am I okay now? If I’m okay, why the Fuck is everything so hard.”
At least, that’s the monologue I remember playing in my head.
If this monologue exists, it cannot be soothed with trite phrases encouragement - “Don’t worry, it’ll be okay” - “You just need to keep trying” - seems false. I recognize that sayings such as this are important - they should be heard and repeated, but they don’t change the reality of the situation. The process of recovery and rediscovery after TBI is hellacious drudgery, and all you can do is continue, some abilities and personality characteristics you will find again while other attributes have changed, and always the survivor must continue - one step at a time - heel, toe, heel, toe…
But there is a way to beat this - a way to win in the struggle with depressing monotony - very simply, to win is to not lose, and to lose is give up - to succumb to angst and depression - to stop.
Don’t stop.
Again -
Don’t stop.
This does not mean “Things will get better with time”, or “You’ll get through this one day” - things might and you might, but a survivor cannot rely on statements such as these - what I promise is that quitting on recovery guarantees that a fuller recovery will never happen.
Don’t stop. Win by not losing.
When I began this article, I wanted to write a script of motivational phrases and encouragements for survivors currently wading through a pool of tests and trials, but as I considered what I feel is true, I recognized that such sayings would be false. Instead, I wish to be candid in my comments to survivors - your body may never fully recover and there will likely be some difficulties that will always hamper you, but recognize that as a survivor you are ALIVE and that life is open to infinite possibility. In previous entries (Scene 6 - “God’s Lap” and Scene 12 - “It’s Not Your Time”), we have looked at the decision a survivor must make after brain injury - whether to accept the reality of the new situation after TBI or not - and, simply put, the dispiriting drudgery of recovery is part of this reality.
I do not intend this entry to be depressing - monotony is, to some extent, a part of nearly any life path - the farmer harvesting crops, the factor worker beginning a shift, the teacher grading exams - its part of human experience and, as a survivor, one must endure this in order to appreciate the glory of moments - moments that can exist for everyone - forgetting time while conversing with a new friend, becoming lost in the rhythm and harmonies of a favorite song, watching a sunset kiss the world goodnight. These are rewards that can be found when a survivor makes the choice to win - and remember - to win is to not lose.
Don’t stop.
To win is to keep the gates of endless possibility - of infinite variation open - to lose is to give up.
To lose is finite.
Win.
Don’t stop.
This was a hard one to write - please share your thoughts below.
But more pictures begin to stick,
And I remember faces, voices, events…
and I remember it was hard, and,
Frustrating.
Embarrassing
I mean, here I was, a seventeen year old boy,
having to be retaught how to Do things I knew I should Know how to do…
like,
Like Walking -
Walking Technique…
heel, toe, heel, toe, heel toe…
But I wasn’t doing it right, so I had to keep practicing…
Heel, toe,
heel…
******************************************************
Recovery from brain injury means going through the motions of recovery - facing the reality of one’s situation and learning/remembering how to do everything you already know - again.
I remember a strange disconnect in my brain - a personal and social recognition that I should be able to do these things, and thus I attempted to complete the trials presented to me by therapists with a dismissive ease - but I couldn’t realistically complete these tasks with such ease - many could only be completed with concentrated effort and assisted focus - a plodding process. And I felt shame when my achievement of some menial task received vigorous applause - here I was, a youth on the cusp of adulthood and my rehabilitation therapists are celebrating when I complete physical and cognitive tests suitable for a toddler. My mind translated their praise into mockery.
In retrospect, I recognize that I was fortunate to have had such an encouraging team of therapists and supporters surrounding me and offering praise - an alternative could have been criticism toward my slow pace of recovery, demeaning my progress - I recognize this now, but at the time it didn’t matter because I was ashamed of my struggles.
These emotions are not unique. In my interviews I spoke with several other survivors who told me about similar embarrassment or shame, and this feeling makes sense - a survivor is discovering his or her new abilities, and these abilities are changing every day, especially during early recovery - meanwhile there is a cognitive attempt to connect the story of the past person to the person the survivor is now. In tandem with this, a survivor often hears stories of the past shared by supporters - these are stories that hold a subjective “truth” for the supporter sharing the story, but this “truth” may not coincide with the survivor’s current - or previous - self-image, and while attempting to rediscover/redefine personal identity the survivor needs to navigate this barrage of narratives seeking some more genuine personal truth while continuing to be unsure of his or her ability - all of which easily leads to the monologue:
“What did I do before? Why can’t I remember what they tell me? Was I better before? Am I okay now? If I’m okay, why the Fuck is everything so hard.”
At least, that’s the monologue I remember playing in my head.
If this monologue exists, it cannot be soothed with trite phrases encouragement - “Don’t worry, it’ll be okay” - “You just need to keep trying” - seems false. I recognize that sayings such as this are important - they should be heard and repeated, but they don’t change the reality of the situation. The process of recovery and rediscovery after TBI is hellacious drudgery, and all you can do is continue, some abilities and personality characteristics you will find again while other attributes have changed, and always the survivor must continue - one step at a time - heel, toe, heel, toe…
But there is a way to beat this - a way to win in the struggle with depressing monotony - very simply, to win is to not lose, and to lose is give up - to succumb to angst and depression - to stop.
Don’t stop.
Again -
Don’t stop.
This does not mean “Things will get better with time”, or “You’ll get through this one day” - things might and you might, but a survivor cannot rely on statements such as these - what I promise is that quitting on recovery guarantees that a fuller recovery will never happen.
Don’t stop. Win by not losing.
When I began this article, I wanted to write a script of motivational phrases and encouragements for survivors currently wading through a pool of tests and trials, but as I considered what I feel is true, I recognized that such sayings would be false. Instead, I wish to be candid in my comments to survivors - your body may never fully recover and there will likely be some difficulties that will always hamper you, but recognize that as a survivor you are ALIVE and that life is open to infinite possibility. In previous entries (Scene 6 - “God’s Lap” and Scene 12 - “It’s Not Your Time”), we have looked at the decision a survivor must make after brain injury - whether to accept the reality of the new situation after TBI or not - and, simply put, the dispiriting drudgery of recovery is part of this reality.
I do not intend this entry to be depressing - monotony is, to some extent, a part of nearly any life path - the farmer harvesting crops, the factor worker beginning a shift, the teacher grading exams - its part of human experience and, as a survivor, one must endure this in order to appreciate the glory of moments - moments that can exist for everyone - forgetting time while conversing with a new friend, becoming lost in the rhythm and harmonies of a favorite song, watching a sunset kiss the world goodnight. These are rewards that can be found when a survivor makes the choice to win - and remember - to win is to not lose.
Don’t stop.
To win is to keep the gates of endless possibility - of infinite variation open - to lose is to give up.
To lose is finite.
Win.
Don’t stop.
This was a hard one to write - please share your thoughts below.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
How Phish Got Involved
***********How Phish Got Involved**********************
The last entry got philosophical - discussing the matter of shaping memory after a traumatic incident, and this discussion is something I believe I can add to within the community of survivors. That said, the entry didn’t deal with the content of the scene very much - by content, I mean the absurd story about my favorite rock band, Phish- so this entry is going share how the band Phish played a role in my early recovery.
I am part of a dedicated fan base - “Phishheads” as we are called - and while we might gaze on “Bielibers” (fan’s of Justin Bieber) with distain, we do not hesitate to proclaim that we are “going Phishing” when the dates for the next Phish concert tour are announced. Now, I am a fan of every band member - but every fan has his or her favorite and, as a pianist, my favorite band member is keyboardist Page McConnell..
When my accident occurred, I had already seen 3 Phish performances just one month prior, and had tickets for 1 more performance that would be happening in Philadelphia - but I couldn’t attend this 1 more performance because I was in the hospital…in Philadelphia! I remember being upset by this, but also recognizing that there was nothing I could do to attend the concert, and this blunt fact staved off any major disappointment - I had resigned myself to my Phish-less fate.
That said, my friends and family were not so quickly quelled and - unbeknownst to be - began a letter writing campaign to the band, asking specifically Page McConnell to get some word to me while I was in the hospital. It turned out that at least one of these letters made its way through the halls of Phish mailing and reached said keyboardist, and on December 23rd - the day before I was released from the hospital - a large package arrived in the mail.
It was two days before Christmas - was this a present? Without looking at the return address, I tore open the package and found it stuffed with Phish memorabilia - CDs, a teeshirt, hat, fleece jacket…and tucked in amid this plethora of Phish fan treasures was a hand written note:
Dear Lethan,
So sorry to hear of your accident - pleased to hear of your recovery. Keep in touch and we’ll get you to a show this summer.
Page McConnell.
To say I was ecstatic is an understatement - my favorite rockstar / celebrity hero had sent me a get well gift! That is amazing! How did he even know! - I was later informed about the letter writing campaign, but at the time it was a complete mystery. To be sure, this action made me a Phish fan for life.
And let us take a moment to give praise to the band and Page McConnell for reaching out. To be sure, I’m sure it was not a huge burden in time or money for the artist, but it was also not necessary - but it was taking a little bit of time and putting in some extra effort to support a stranger, and that gesture brought enormous joy. Page did something that we can all do when the moment arises - showed support for someone who needs it. He did it in a celebrity savvy way available to him, but we can all do small gestures of support - a smile, a helping hand, a bottle of soda - something simple to bring just a bit of joy if we see a person who looks like they need help - it may not have the fandom-shock attached to celebrity, but it can bring honest joy. Page McConnell took it upon himself to do just a bit more to support a fan - reaching outside of what is considered the norm - and for that he, as well as the entire band and organization of Phish, deserves appreciation.
Now, nearly two decades after that package, I am still a huge fan of the band and anticipate remaining so ad infinitum, but as I’ve reflected upon that package I have come to see that it was not just Page and the Phish organization that did that little bit more to help out - every friend and family member who sent a note or did any gesture to contact Page deserves similar appreciation. Word got to Page because countless supporters of my recovery took the time to try. I feel that, in many ways, the plethora of gifts that came from Page also came from every person involved in reaching out. These gifts came to symbolize the power in community. Page McConnell and Phish did a grand thing reaching out to a fan, but what the community surrounding my healing did was truly Awesome - contacting Page was only a part of that.
That said, I am still a huge fan and if anyone knows how to contact Page McConnell so I can personally give my thanks…Still hoping to meet Page one day…Any leads on contacting him...?
Please email or leave comments for the Phan below.
The last entry got philosophical - discussing the matter of shaping memory after a traumatic incident, and this discussion is something I believe I can add to within the community of survivors. That said, the entry didn’t deal with the content of the scene very much - by content, I mean the absurd story about my favorite rock band, Phish- so this entry is going share how the band Phish played a role in my early recovery.
I am part of a dedicated fan base - “Phishheads” as we are called - and while we might gaze on “Bielibers” (fan’s of Justin Bieber) with distain, we do not hesitate to proclaim that we are “going Phishing” when the dates for the next Phish concert tour are announced. Now, I am a fan of every band member - but every fan has his or her favorite and, as a pianist, my favorite band member is keyboardist Page McConnell..
When my accident occurred, I had already seen 3 Phish performances just one month prior, and had tickets for 1 more performance that would be happening in Philadelphia - but I couldn’t attend this 1 more performance because I was in the hospital…in Philadelphia! I remember being upset by this, but also recognizing that there was nothing I could do to attend the concert, and this blunt fact staved off any major disappointment - I had resigned myself to my Phish-less fate.
That said, my friends and family were not so quickly quelled and - unbeknownst to be - began a letter writing campaign to the band, asking specifically Page McConnell to get some word to me while I was in the hospital. It turned out that at least one of these letters made its way through the halls of Phish mailing and reached said keyboardist, and on December 23rd - the day before I was released from the hospital - a large package arrived in the mail.
It was two days before Christmas - was this a present? Without looking at the return address, I tore open the package and found it stuffed with Phish memorabilia - CDs, a teeshirt, hat, fleece jacket…and tucked in amid this plethora of Phish fan treasures was a hand written note:
Dear Lethan,
So sorry to hear of your accident - pleased to hear of your recovery. Keep in touch and we’ll get you to a show this summer.
Page McConnell.
To say I was ecstatic is an understatement - my favorite rockstar / celebrity hero had sent me a get well gift! That is amazing! How did he even know! - I was later informed about the letter writing campaign, but at the time it was a complete mystery. To be sure, this action made me a Phish fan for life.
And let us take a moment to give praise to the band and Page McConnell for reaching out. To be sure, I’m sure it was not a huge burden in time or money for the artist, but it was also not necessary - but it was taking a little bit of time and putting in some extra effort to support a stranger, and that gesture brought enormous joy. Page did something that we can all do when the moment arises - showed support for someone who needs it. He did it in a celebrity savvy way available to him, but we can all do small gestures of support - a smile, a helping hand, a bottle of soda - something simple to bring just a bit of joy if we see a person who looks like they need help - it may not have the fandom-shock attached to celebrity, but it can bring honest joy. Page McConnell took it upon himself to do just a bit more to support a fan - reaching outside of what is considered the norm - and for that he, as well as the entire band and organization of Phish, deserves appreciation.
Now, nearly two decades after that package, I am still a huge fan of the band and anticipate remaining so ad infinitum, but as I’ve reflected upon that package I have come to see that it was not just Page and the Phish organization that did that little bit more to help out - every friend and family member who sent a note or did any gesture to contact Page deserves similar appreciation. Word got to Page because countless supporters of my recovery took the time to try. I feel that, in many ways, the plethora of gifts that came from Page also came from every person involved in reaching out. These gifts came to symbolize the power in community. Page McConnell and Phish did a grand thing reaching out to a fan, but what the community surrounding my healing did was truly Awesome - contacting Page was only a part of that.
That said, I am still a huge fan and if anyone knows how to contact Page McConnell so I can personally give my thanks…Still hoping to meet Page one day…Any leads on contacting him...?
Please email or leave comments for the Phan below.
Monday, October 16, 2017
Scene 16 - My First Memory
*****************Scene 16 - My First Memory*************
Now, my first memory, it’s just a flash - a picture in my head,
but
I remember I’m sitting in my wheelchair at Magee Rehabilitation,
my best friend Ryan is sitting across from me, and we’re -
talking about something -
and my parents and Ryan’s parents and standing by the window,
the afternoon sunlight is streaming in,
and they’re Laughing about…
something
I don’t know what they’re laughing at -
don’t remember what Ryan and I are actually talking about,
like I said, its just a picture in my head,
But I’ve Described this picture to the people who were there,
and They DO remember what was happening because I had just told my first story,
well, Ryan and I were telling it together -
I began with me telling a dream I had had in which my favorite rock band,
the band Phish,
had decided to throw a charity concert at Magee Rehabilitation Hospital,
and because it was my dream, they decided to throw the concert in My room,
and here Ryan jumps and says that if they’re playing the concert in my room, I should be allowed to jam with them,
and so I ask the keyboardist if I can sit in, and he says “Sure, why not.”
so I sit down at the piano and we begin this 7 hour
musical improvisation,
that explores the depths of the question What is Music,
continuing until Dogs
begin to climb out of the piano,
all sizes,
dogs just, woof woof
start chasing everyone around
so the drummer needs to step out from behind the drums,
pull out his, uh
vacuum cleaner,
use the hose to just SUCK up the dogs,
Now the guitarist, Trey,
he’s Freaking out so bad the bassist just needs to turn to him, says,
“Hey, Trey man, mellow.”
Meanwhile I’m flying overhead,
like this - Superman -
watching all this chaos unfold…
and I’ve been told that this first story was…
interesting…
*****************************************************************************
Memories are stories.
We remember events - create memories - because we compose a narrative structure that entwines moments together and this allows the infinite collection of sensory information to exist as a simplified, comprehensible package of cause/effect relationships.
Memories are these stories that we create.
Even memories that serve a function - remembering to brush your teeth or your schedule for the day - are held because they are attached to some story - the parable of the girl who got terrible cavities and lost her teeth - or the future storyline of what you anticipate tomorrow’s events will be. Granted, habitual action is often not recognized as being attached to a story, but if you delve into the question of Why you do an action, there’s a story behind it, sometimes, simply a story of tradition - my family comes from a long line of people who use toothpaste at least twice a day.
Now, the extent to which all information we retain in our minds is this story form of memory can be debated - there can be discussion of alternative forms of physical or emotionally subconscious recollection of information, but for this posting - discussing a conscious memory of an event - I hold that when a person says “I remember when ‘Event X’ happened”, that person is necessarily referring to a story based memory - a story the person has created with or without outside influence.
This is important to recognize because the scene presented above has been dubbed the first memory I had after the accident - and it remains in my mind as the series of images and emotional sensations described above - but I suggest that the reason that this remains my “first memory” is because I have so clearly (and some might say eloquently) composed a literary/oral story containing these events that is easily accessed because of its memorable content and repeated tellings. Had this moment not been so clearly codified, I suggest that it would have drifted away to bask amid the aether of past consciousnesses in a similar way the memory of my breakfast on April 18th, 2013 is no longer with us.
Granted, that first memory after my trauma is imbued with substantially more significance than breakfast on a random day, and even had I not composed a storytelling piece there is a chance I would continue to find moments of this memory returning, but it is far less likely.
You’ll also notice that the event which my brain first recalled was an event that contained some out-of-the-norm moments - stories tend to form around such out-of-the-norm moments, and although during my early recovery I did not recall the details of this story, when interviewed my friends and family were quick to remember what was happening. I believe this is due to the fact that the situation lent itself to a simple story form. Furthermore, I hypothesize that my mind decided to “hit record” at this moment because it naturally attempted to format this situation into a story for retelling, though at the time my mind had difficulty cementing the majority of details in an easily accessible storage bank.
Please note, in most cases I do not think we consciously compose stories so that we can recall events - instead, I hold that the human mind has evolved to embrace stories and, commonly without prompting, naturally arranges experience into story form - not necessarily interesting or highly refined stories, but simple stories nonetheless. This is just how our memory works.
Having established that memory is a story, it is also important to recognize that memories are not static - memories change over time as the story becomes revised and/or new information is discovered. We can also choose to “adjust memories” by telling the story to ourselves in a different way. By revising or “rewriting” a story, a person is able to come to a different understanding of past events and potentially sooth anger, pain, or frustration that remains trapped within an memory and causes stagnation of personal growth.
This is a powerful tool - using investigative and/or creative reasoning combined with our story-susceptible minds to alter one’s memory - and I will pause here to acknowledge that this can be a dangerous tool. One can easily imbue memories with false events or interpretations - positive or negative - that leave one susceptible to alluring and/or dangerous situations, and insisting upon a fallaciously positive interpretation of abuses is a danger that must be recognized. I cannot comment further on this, as this is not my area of study, but I do want to be clear that I recognize that, as with many powerful tools, adjusting one’s interpretation of memories has potential for both good and danger.
That acknowledged, I want to recognize a way that this ability can be beneficial after a trauma and to show how personal storytelling can help in this process. Please know, when I use terms such as “storytelling” or “storyteller”, I do not mean to imply this is a story for public presentation - the pressures of a performance may place stress upon a person and hinder the story formation process. A story is an individual’s construction that may be shared as public art or for individual therapy as the storyteller wishes, though I do encourage some small, informal sharing of the story with close family, friends, or perhaps a councilor to achieve the full benefit of this process.
That said…
By recognizing that a memory is a story, a person is better able to objectify an experience - it is no longer a personal experience, but the experience of the narrator (who just happens to be the storyteller). This helps to remove the storyteller (who experienced a trauma) from the immediacy of a painful memory - helping to see the experiences as events that happened, but are no longer happening.
Furthermore, a story requires certain structural elements - beginning, middle, end, and some sort of cause-effect relationship that allows the events to be understood. Placing this requirement upon oneself allows the storyteller to understand the sequence of events that resulted in a trauma or caused difficulties in a recovery - no longer is it just - “Shit happens” - but becomes “This is why this particularly shit happened.” By creating a logic largely based upon fact - though possibly dressed with some artistic embellishment - a storyteller is able to better see the whole of a situation surrounding a painful memory. This helps the storyteller to move away from the idea of this event “being a terrible thing that happened to me” and seeing that said event affected many people, and the storyteller’s experience is part of a far greater picture - the aim not being to minimize a storyteller’s personal experience, but to move away from an egocentric focus that can develop after a tragedy.
Furthermore, by objectifying a story, a storyteller can more easily see why other people choose to react to events surrounding the storyteller’s trauma in a particular way. The people who were part of the recovery experience after the tragedy become characters in a story, and by exploring these characters, the storyteller is able to understand or create a logic for their actions - providing characters with a reasonable, non-malicious motivation can help the storyteller recognize and empathize with characters that may have seemed confrontational or were viewed as “the enemy” while the initial events of the trauma were occurring.
For my experience, I found that the process of turning my events into a story allowed me to see how fortunate I was - I did go through a traumatic experience, but I lived.
I worked my ass off in recovery for years - formal therapeutic sessions as well as personal growth - and am still experiencing some effects of what I believe is from the brain trauma nearly two decades after the incident, but I am living.
The good fortune surrounding my recovery has been shared with me countless times, but it was by researching and creating a story that I was able to fully recognize and appreciate what my body and soul did and how necessary the countless professional and personal saviors were in this process.
I’ve also been able to bring some personal peace to how some relationships played out. The most prominent of these is my relationship with my parents - I can better understand how they treated and tried to protect me in the years following my accident - why they restricted me in a manner contrary to what I felt was right. Furthermore, I can more fully appreciate all they have done for me and how hard they worked to provide what they though was best.
This is not meant to proclaim storytelling as a “fix it all” technique - nothing should be proclaimed as such - but it is a tool and can be deeply therapeutic if used properly. Memories are personal creations we keep in our mind that having a strong effect on most decisions we make. If we can use a tool - such as storytelling - to mold these memories in a manner that helps us make more beneficial decision, I suggest we use it.
Thems be my ideas on the subject. What are yours? Any questions? Counter arguments? Agreements? Academic articles? Personal examples of the benefits of storytelling?
Leave comments below - I look forward to hearing from you.
Now, my first memory, it’s just a flash - a picture in my head,
but
I remember I’m sitting in my wheelchair at Magee Rehabilitation,
my best friend Ryan is sitting across from me, and we’re -
talking about something -
and my parents and Ryan’s parents and standing by the window,
the afternoon sunlight is streaming in,
and they’re Laughing about…
something
I don’t know what they’re laughing at -
don’t remember what Ryan and I are actually talking about,
like I said, its just a picture in my head,
But I’ve Described this picture to the people who were there,
and They DO remember what was happening because I had just told my first story,
well, Ryan and I were telling it together -
I began with me telling a dream I had had in which my favorite rock band,
the band Phish,
had decided to throw a charity concert at Magee Rehabilitation Hospital,
and because it was my dream, they decided to throw the concert in My room,
and here Ryan jumps and says that if they’re playing the concert in my room, I should be allowed to jam with them,
and so I ask the keyboardist if I can sit in, and he says “Sure, why not.”
so I sit down at the piano and we begin this 7 hour
musical improvisation,
that explores the depths of the question What is Music,
continuing until Dogs
begin to climb out of the piano,
all sizes,
dogs just, woof woof
start chasing everyone around
so the drummer needs to step out from behind the drums,
pull out his, uh
vacuum cleaner,
use the hose to just SUCK up the dogs,
Now the guitarist, Trey,
he’s Freaking out so bad the bassist just needs to turn to him, says,
“Hey, Trey man, mellow.”
Meanwhile I’m flying overhead,
like this - Superman -
watching all this chaos unfold…
and I’ve been told that this first story was…
interesting…
*****************************************************************************
Memories are stories.
We remember events - create memories - because we compose a narrative structure that entwines moments together and this allows the infinite collection of sensory information to exist as a simplified, comprehensible package of cause/effect relationships.
Memories are these stories that we create.
Even memories that serve a function - remembering to brush your teeth or your schedule for the day - are held because they are attached to some story - the parable of the girl who got terrible cavities and lost her teeth - or the future storyline of what you anticipate tomorrow’s events will be. Granted, habitual action is often not recognized as being attached to a story, but if you delve into the question of Why you do an action, there’s a story behind it, sometimes, simply a story of tradition - my family comes from a long line of people who use toothpaste at least twice a day.
Now, the extent to which all information we retain in our minds is this story form of memory can be debated - there can be discussion of alternative forms of physical or emotionally subconscious recollection of information, but for this posting - discussing a conscious memory of an event - I hold that when a person says “I remember when ‘Event X’ happened”, that person is necessarily referring to a story based memory - a story the person has created with or without outside influence.
This is important to recognize because the scene presented above has been dubbed the first memory I had after the accident - and it remains in my mind as the series of images and emotional sensations described above - but I suggest that the reason that this remains my “first memory” is because I have so clearly (and some might say eloquently) composed a literary/oral story containing these events that is easily accessed because of its memorable content and repeated tellings. Had this moment not been so clearly codified, I suggest that it would have drifted away to bask amid the aether of past consciousnesses in a similar way the memory of my breakfast on April 18th, 2013 is no longer with us.
Granted, that first memory after my trauma is imbued with substantially more significance than breakfast on a random day, and even had I not composed a storytelling piece there is a chance I would continue to find moments of this memory returning, but it is far less likely.
You’ll also notice that the event which my brain first recalled was an event that contained some out-of-the-norm moments - stories tend to form around such out-of-the-norm moments, and although during my early recovery I did not recall the details of this story, when interviewed my friends and family were quick to remember what was happening. I believe this is due to the fact that the situation lent itself to a simple story form. Furthermore, I hypothesize that my mind decided to “hit record” at this moment because it naturally attempted to format this situation into a story for retelling, though at the time my mind had difficulty cementing the majority of details in an easily accessible storage bank.
Please note, in most cases I do not think we consciously compose stories so that we can recall events - instead, I hold that the human mind has evolved to embrace stories and, commonly without prompting, naturally arranges experience into story form - not necessarily interesting or highly refined stories, but simple stories nonetheless. This is just how our memory works.
Having established that memory is a story, it is also important to recognize that memories are not static - memories change over time as the story becomes revised and/or new information is discovered. We can also choose to “adjust memories” by telling the story to ourselves in a different way. By revising or “rewriting” a story, a person is able to come to a different understanding of past events and potentially sooth anger, pain, or frustration that remains trapped within an memory and causes stagnation of personal growth.
This is a powerful tool - using investigative and/or creative reasoning combined with our story-susceptible minds to alter one’s memory - and I will pause here to acknowledge that this can be a dangerous tool. One can easily imbue memories with false events or interpretations - positive or negative - that leave one susceptible to alluring and/or dangerous situations, and insisting upon a fallaciously positive interpretation of abuses is a danger that must be recognized. I cannot comment further on this, as this is not my area of study, but I do want to be clear that I recognize that, as with many powerful tools, adjusting one’s interpretation of memories has potential for both good and danger.
That acknowledged, I want to recognize a way that this ability can be beneficial after a trauma and to show how personal storytelling can help in this process. Please know, when I use terms such as “storytelling” or “storyteller”, I do not mean to imply this is a story for public presentation - the pressures of a performance may place stress upon a person and hinder the story formation process. A story is an individual’s construction that may be shared as public art or for individual therapy as the storyteller wishes, though I do encourage some small, informal sharing of the story with close family, friends, or perhaps a councilor to achieve the full benefit of this process.
That said…
By recognizing that a memory is a story, a person is better able to objectify an experience - it is no longer a personal experience, but the experience of the narrator (who just happens to be the storyteller). This helps to remove the storyteller (who experienced a trauma) from the immediacy of a painful memory - helping to see the experiences as events that happened, but are no longer happening.
Furthermore, a story requires certain structural elements - beginning, middle, end, and some sort of cause-effect relationship that allows the events to be understood. Placing this requirement upon oneself allows the storyteller to understand the sequence of events that resulted in a trauma or caused difficulties in a recovery - no longer is it just - “Shit happens” - but becomes “This is why this particularly shit happened.” By creating a logic largely based upon fact - though possibly dressed with some artistic embellishment - a storyteller is able to better see the whole of a situation surrounding a painful memory. This helps the storyteller to move away from the idea of this event “being a terrible thing that happened to me” and seeing that said event affected many people, and the storyteller’s experience is part of a far greater picture - the aim not being to minimize a storyteller’s personal experience, but to move away from an egocentric focus that can develop after a tragedy.
Furthermore, by objectifying a story, a storyteller can more easily see why other people choose to react to events surrounding the storyteller’s trauma in a particular way. The people who were part of the recovery experience after the tragedy become characters in a story, and by exploring these characters, the storyteller is able to understand or create a logic for their actions - providing characters with a reasonable, non-malicious motivation can help the storyteller recognize and empathize with characters that may have seemed confrontational or were viewed as “the enemy” while the initial events of the trauma were occurring.
For my experience, I found that the process of turning my events into a story allowed me to see how fortunate I was - I did go through a traumatic experience, but I lived.
I worked my ass off in recovery for years - formal therapeutic sessions as well as personal growth - and am still experiencing some effects of what I believe is from the brain trauma nearly two decades after the incident, but I am living.
The good fortune surrounding my recovery has been shared with me countless times, but it was by researching and creating a story that I was able to fully recognize and appreciate what my body and soul did and how necessary the countless professional and personal saviors were in this process.
I’ve also been able to bring some personal peace to how some relationships played out. The most prominent of these is my relationship with my parents - I can better understand how they treated and tried to protect me in the years following my accident - why they restricted me in a manner contrary to what I felt was right. Furthermore, I can more fully appreciate all they have done for me and how hard they worked to provide what they though was best.
This is not meant to proclaim storytelling as a “fix it all” technique - nothing should be proclaimed as such - but it is a tool and can be deeply therapeutic if used properly. Memories are personal creations we keep in our mind that having a strong effect on most decisions we make. If we can use a tool - such as storytelling - to mold these memories in a manner that helps us make more beneficial decision, I suggest we use it.
Thems be my ideas on the subject. What are yours? Any questions? Counter arguments? Agreements? Academic articles? Personal examples of the benefits of storytelling?
Leave comments below - I look forward to hearing from you.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Scene 15 (beginning) - I Don't Remember
********Scene 15 (beginning) - I Don't Remember************
I remember the first memory I remembered.
See, my recovery at Geisinger Medical Center was progressing rapidly, so they moved me to Magee Rehabilitation Hospital in Philadelphia,
and that’s where my memory returned.
******************************************************
I’m going to take this entry to pause on this moment - not a full scene, but just a moment in this scene…
“I remember the first memory I remembered…”
There is half a month of my conscious life wiped out of my mind after the accident. I remember saying “goodbye” to my French teacher, and then I remember what occurs in the upcoming scene (a future blog entry) - which takes place 2 and 1/2 weeks later. Thus, there is an extended blip in my personal timeline - like I was asleep - yet what intrigues me is that during the majority of this time, I was conscious. After my 5 days in a coma, I was interacting with the world around me and operating with a full set of memories about the people with whom I was interacting - my family and friends. What’s more, I was forming new memories concerning the doctors who were treating me and demonstrating at least some understanding of my situation.
Yet I have absolutely no memory of this. All my time at Geisinger Medical center - there’s nothing.
And when my ability to sustain memories returned, there was no grand moment of revelation - no “Holy Shit, I can remember now!” - yet for some reason, my mind/soul/consciousness/being/WhatHaveYou picked this instant to press the record button on my personal timeline.
No idea why.
I’m not suggesting I want to remember these moments of early, conscious recovery - I’m sure there was a host of pains and anxieties that I can’t begin to comprehend prior to record being pressed, and I feel rather fortunate that I don’t remember.
There is a scientific explanation of internal processes beginning due to traumatic situations - Glucocorticoids being produced during a trauma which override the Hippocampus (the core memory system) in our brain - for survival purposes, our bodies don’t want to relive memories of extreme suffering, so these memories tend to get erased. Please recognize, my explanation is grossly simplified, and I did find at least one paper that goes into the science of it (http://www.jneurosci.org/content/24/37/8161), but as a non-professional, it quickly becomes techno-babble - you, however, are welcome to go though this more detailed research and if you want to try to better explain it to me, please leave some comments and we can arrange a meeting/Skype.
As of yet, however, I haven’t found information that explains why our brain chooses particular moments to turn the memory back on. Nor have I learned of any set of objective conditions that will trigger such a reaction - in truth I doubt that there is a way to document any objective conditions during a subjective experience of a trauma.
I also don’t know why, when I was at Geisinger hospital and surrounded by my close knit community of family and friends, my mind/soul/being choose not to remember.
I don’t have answers - only questions.
But its interesting.
Thoughts? Please share below.
I remember the first memory I remembered.
See, my recovery at Geisinger Medical Center was progressing rapidly, so they moved me to Magee Rehabilitation Hospital in Philadelphia,
and that’s where my memory returned.
******************************************************
I’m going to take this entry to pause on this moment - not a full scene, but just a moment in this scene…
“I remember the first memory I remembered…”
There is half a month of my conscious life wiped out of my mind after the accident. I remember saying “goodbye” to my French teacher, and then I remember what occurs in the upcoming scene (a future blog entry) - which takes place 2 and 1/2 weeks later. Thus, there is an extended blip in my personal timeline - like I was asleep - yet what intrigues me is that during the majority of this time, I was conscious. After my 5 days in a coma, I was interacting with the world around me and operating with a full set of memories about the people with whom I was interacting - my family and friends. What’s more, I was forming new memories concerning the doctors who were treating me and demonstrating at least some understanding of my situation.
Yet I have absolutely no memory of this. All my time at Geisinger Medical center - there’s nothing.
And when my ability to sustain memories returned, there was no grand moment of revelation - no “Holy Shit, I can remember now!” - yet for some reason, my mind/soul/consciousness/being/WhatHaveYou picked this instant to press the record button on my personal timeline.
No idea why.
I’m not suggesting I want to remember these moments of early, conscious recovery - I’m sure there was a host of pains and anxieties that I can’t begin to comprehend prior to record being pressed, and I feel rather fortunate that I don’t remember.
There is a scientific explanation of internal processes beginning due to traumatic situations - Glucocorticoids being produced during a trauma which override the Hippocampus (the core memory system) in our brain - for survival purposes, our bodies don’t want to relive memories of extreme suffering, so these memories tend to get erased. Please recognize, my explanation is grossly simplified, and I did find at least one paper that goes into the science of it (http://www.jneurosci.org/content/24/37/8161), but as a non-professional, it quickly becomes techno-babble - you, however, are welcome to go though this more detailed research and if you want to try to better explain it to me, please leave some comments and we can arrange a meeting/Skype.
As of yet, however, I haven’t found information that explains why our brain chooses particular moments to turn the memory back on. Nor have I learned of any set of objective conditions that will trigger such a reaction - in truth I doubt that there is a way to document any objective conditions during a subjective experience of a trauma.
I also don’t know why, when I was at Geisinger hospital and surrounded by my close knit community of family and friends, my mind/soul/being choose not to remember.
I don’t have answers - only questions.
But its interesting.
Thoughts? Please share below.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Scene 14B - Sarah's Past
*************Scene 14B - Sarah's Past*********************
Please note, this entry is a continuation of the commentary for scene 14 - if you haven’t read the previous posting, I suggest you do. But now to continue…
In the last entry we spoke about commitment to positivity and how this mindset can benefit a recovery process (in this case, Sarah’s recovery). We will now look at the negativity she recognizes that quickly chases after her positive attitude and the dangers she feels it brings.
In the scene above, after proclaiming her plan of positivity, Sarah is quick to state that part of her motivation for this commitment is a fear of negativity - “because negative energy, it will RUIN you.” This makes sense - if a positive attitude helps a person, it seems to follow that negative energy will harm a person - yet Sarah doesn’t reflect upon this negative energy as something that exists as part of her recovery - instead she views this negativity as something that hangs on to her from her past experiences. Sarah does not remember much from her past, but the memory of a negative attitude and a negative life view stays with her - and she wants to be done with it. No more negativity in Sarah’s life - now she wants a life of only positive energy!
My feelings on this are mixed. As previously discussed in this blog, a person will necessarily change after brain injury and one should not insist on returning to former attitudes or abilities. But here’s where the process of change becomes even more confusing - while change is likely, there cannot be an expectation of change. A recovery will always have unexpected outcomes - any multitude of preferences, attitudes, habits, and personality traits are just as likely to change as to not change - an attempt to steer one’s re-formation of identity as part of the healing process is unfair to the survivor and almost certain to have disappointing results.
A potential counter argument might be that brain injury can be looked at as a gift - of sorts - an opportunity to mold a healthier, more productive (positive) identity. Trauma inspiring positive change is not unheard of and can be wonderful, but to approach recovery with a goal of change invites failure.
The above scene is a tricky example of this conflict - trying to change vs. trying to accept who one is. For whatever reason, Sarah remembers being depressed - her self-destructive attitude - when she is listening to Tory Amos (a melancholy, pop pianist popular in the mid 1990s). As part of her recovery, she has come to recognize dangers in depression inspired self-destructive behavior, and therefore wants to “fix” this part of herself. One of her triggers, it seems, is the music of Tori Amos, and for this reason she attempts to remove that music from her life. Sarah’s motivation is pure and her logic is not flawed, but I believe that attempting to suppress this part of herself - to “put a lid on it”, so to speak - will cause the more dangerous elements of her personality to brew and perhaps burst out of containment in sudden, potentially more harmful manners. You can see those inner impulses seeping out for just a moment at the end of the scene - “but Still I hear Tori’s music and…” - but then the lid is snapped back and once more the “harmful” memory is repressed.
As of now, this is what reflecting on this scene brings up in me - I’m still working with some of the ideas, so I don’t consider this article completely finished yet. With that in mind, I would love to hear your thoughts, agreements, counter arguments…please share with your friends and leave a comment below.
Please note, this entry is a continuation of the commentary for scene 14 - if you haven’t read the previous posting, I suggest you do. But now to continue…
In the last entry we spoke about commitment to positivity and how this mindset can benefit a recovery process (in this case, Sarah’s recovery). We will now look at the negativity she recognizes that quickly chases after her positive attitude and the dangers she feels it brings.
In the scene above, after proclaiming her plan of positivity, Sarah is quick to state that part of her motivation for this commitment is a fear of negativity - “because negative energy, it will RUIN you.” This makes sense - if a positive attitude helps a person, it seems to follow that negative energy will harm a person - yet Sarah doesn’t reflect upon this negative energy as something that exists as part of her recovery - instead she views this negativity as something that hangs on to her from her past experiences. Sarah does not remember much from her past, but the memory of a negative attitude and a negative life view stays with her - and she wants to be done with it. No more negativity in Sarah’s life - now she wants a life of only positive energy!
My feelings on this are mixed. As previously discussed in this blog, a person will necessarily change after brain injury and one should not insist on returning to former attitudes or abilities. But here’s where the process of change becomes even more confusing - while change is likely, there cannot be an expectation of change. A recovery will always have unexpected outcomes - any multitude of preferences, attitudes, habits, and personality traits are just as likely to change as to not change - an attempt to steer one’s re-formation of identity as part of the healing process is unfair to the survivor and almost certain to have disappointing results.
A potential counter argument might be that brain injury can be looked at as a gift - of sorts - an opportunity to mold a healthier, more productive (positive) identity. Trauma inspiring positive change is not unheard of and can be wonderful, but to approach recovery with a goal of change invites failure.
The above scene is a tricky example of this conflict - trying to change vs. trying to accept who one is. For whatever reason, Sarah remembers being depressed - her self-destructive attitude - when she is listening to Tory Amos (a melancholy, pop pianist popular in the mid 1990s). As part of her recovery, she has come to recognize dangers in depression inspired self-destructive behavior, and therefore wants to “fix” this part of herself. One of her triggers, it seems, is the music of Tori Amos, and for this reason she attempts to remove that music from her life. Sarah’s motivation is pure and her logic is not flawed, but I believe that attempting to suppress this part of herself - to “put a lid on it”, so to speak - will cause the more dangerous elements of her personality to brew and perhaps burst out of containment in sudden, potentially more harmful manners. You can see those inner impulses seeping out for just a moment at the end of the scene - “but Still I hear Tori’s music and…” - but then the lid is snapped back and once more the “harmful” memory is repressed.
As of now, this is what reflecting on this scene brings up in me - I’m still working with some of the ideas, so I don’t consider this article completely finished yet. With that in mind, I would love to hear your thoughts, agreements, counter arguments…please share with your friends and leave a comment below.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Scene 14 - Sarah's Future
****************Scene 14 - Sarah's Future******************
Sarah,
She Knows she can’t walk
can’t write, can’t Read
I know that I cannot Remember yesterday,
but I can keep getting better -
Keep on living
just, L-I-V-I-N
I just need to keep a Positive attitude,
Always looking forward -
Good energy,
because negative energy, it will RUIN you.
I know this because
before my accident, I was in a bad place,
Real depressed.
Hurting myself sometimes.
Listening to a lot of Tori Amos music.
And since the accident, I can’t remember much of anything,
but when I woke up, I remembered Tori’s music,
her words,
Now I have all her CDs so I put one in my Compact Disk player
and I began to sing her song and…
and it was
Sad,
made me, cry…
and That is not good for me,
so I took that CD and I broke it.
Snapped it right in half. Then I looked for every Tori CD I could find and I broke them too.
but you know it’s funny.
I can’t,
can’t remember where I was yesterday,
what I ate,
sometimes the names of my children,
but Still I hear Tori’s music and…
But that is not Good for me.
************************************************
There’s a lot that happens in this scene, all of which deserve to be expanded upon. For this reason I will break my reflections on this scene into two entries - the first about the importance of positivity, and the second (next posting) about the negativity that can easily follow.
To start - positivity - Sarah making the decision to heal. Sarah approaches this decision with passion - accepting her condition but insisting on improving it - to paraphrase her thoughts, “I KNOW there is a long way to go, but I WILL assist my healing by keeping a positive attitude.”
Sarah’s commitment to healing is inspiring - and when I was involved with the Crumley House, the resident that inspired Sarah’s character would infect everyone with her insistence on a positive outlook. She is focused on the Now - on what she can actively do to continue healing, and keeping a positive attitude is her decision to assist the healing process.
Can having a positive attitude improve healing? According to recent medical research, the answer seems to be “Yes” - this must be qualified with a statement that a positive attitude does not cure diseases, create miracles, or work magic - but according to studies, there has been published proof that a positive attitude helps to reduce blood pressure, increase immune system response, and reduce pain levels. (http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2016/02/04/healing-thoughts.aspx)
Yet even if we discount this new research (as there is legitimate academic dispute about it), Sarah’s decision to keep and positive attitude and “keep L-I-V-I-N” can be interpreted in another manner - she has accepted the new circumstances in her life and realizes that she must adapt to her new life. This does not necessarily mean biological healing, but can be interpreted as a decision to study, learn about and discovery how to make full use of her new abilities. In the commentary to Scene 6, we discussed Sarah’s decision that she must make, suggesting that she must decide how will she accept and face her new reality. This scene is an example of her making the choice to accept and make use of this new reality.
Unfortunately, the other side of positivity is negativity - and it hard to look at one side of the coin without at least glancing at the other. After proudly proclaiming her positivity, Sarah stumbles into the dark negativity that hangs on from her past - we will discuss this negativity in the next entry.
Sarah,
She Knows she can’t walk
can’t write, can’t Read
I know that I cannot Remember yesterday,
but I can keep getting better -
Keep on living
just, L-I-V-I-N
I just need to keep a Positive attitude,
Always looking forward -
Good energy,
because negative energy, it will RUIN you.
I know this because
before my accident, I was in a bad place,
Real depressed.
Hurting myself sometimes.
Listening to a lot of Tori Amos music.
And since the accident, I can’t remember much of anything,
but when I woke up, I remembered Tori’s music,
her words,
Now I have all her CDs so I put one in my Compact Disk player
and I began to sing her song and…
and it was
Sad,
made me, cry…
and That is not good for me,
so I took that CD and I broke it.
Snapped it right in half. Then I looked for every Tori CD I could find and I broke them too.
but you know it’s funny.
I can’t,
can’t remember where I was yesterday,
what I ate,
sometimes the names of my children,
but Still I hear Tori’s music and…
But that is not Good for me.
************************************************
There’s a lot that happens in this scene, all of which deserve to be expanded upon. For this reason I will break my reflections on this scene into two entries - the first about the importance of positivity, and the second (next posting) about the negativity that can easily follow.
To start - positivity - Sarah making the decision to heal. Sarah approaches this decision with passion - accepting her condition but insisting on improving it - to paraphrase her thoughts, “I KNOW there is a long way to go, but I WILL assist my healing by keeping a positive attitude.”
Sarah’s commitment to healing is inspiring - and when I was involved with the Crumley House, the resident that inspired Sarah’s character would infect everyone with her insistence on a positive outlook. She is focused on the Now - on what she can actively do to continue healing, and keeping a positive attitude is her decision to assist the healing process.
Can having a positive attitude improve healing? According to recent medical research, the answer seems to be “Yes” - this must be qualified with a statement that a positive attitude does not cure diseases, create miracles, or work magic - but according to studies, there has been published proof that a positive attitude helps to reduce blood pressure, increase immune system response, and reduce pain levels. (http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2016/02/04/healing-thoughts.aspx)
Yet even if we discount this new research (as there is legitimate academic dispute about it), Sarah’s decision to keep and positive attitude and “keep L-I-V-I-N” can be interpreted in another manner - she has accepted the new circumstances in her life and realizes that she must adapt to her new life. This does not necessarily mean biological healing, but can be interpreted as a decision to study, learn about and discovery how to make full use of her new abilities. In the commentary to Scene 6, we discussed Sarah’s decision that she must make, suggesting that she must decide how will she accept and face her new reality. This scene is an example of her making the choice to accept and make use of this new reality.
Unfortunately, the other side of positivity is negativity - and it hard to look at one side of the coin without at least glancing at the other. After proudly proclaiming her positivity, Sarah stumbles into the dark negativity that hangs on from her past - we will discuss this negativity in the next entry.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
Scene 13 - My Penis will be With You
I’m back. Summer break is ending, and I hope you’ve had a great summer time. After a wonderful vacation travel with my girlfriend, I’m excited to be home - getting ready to teach a new semester - and continue work with this blog.
That said, this first entry back is rather light hearted - help us to ease back into the material - I hope you enjoy.
**********Scene 13 - My Penis Will be with You*************
After I returned, my recovery continued rapidly.
We still had visitors at the hospital, though not in the same numbers as before,
and my best friend Ryan remembers one time when he came to visit me.
And it was weird.
I mean, here’s my best friend and he’s alive, but…
Well, he and I, we used to talk about things, you know, Talk, like…you know…
Books, Music,
Movies,
Chicks - we would Talk,
and here he is, having trouble forming complete sentences…
and it was weird.
My father sat in the corner, and he saw that it was hard for Ryan, but…
Well, it came time for Ryan to leave, and he stood to go, but I said,
“Wait, Ryan, where are you going?”
“Uhh…dude, I got to go I got, uh, band rehearsal.”
“Wait for me. I’m want to go with you.”
Ryan, uncomfortable.
He knew I couldn’t actually go with him - that I had to stay here in the hospital, but did I know that?
He looked to my father for help, and my father quickly stood, coming over to say that what I wanted to do was nice by Ryan….
But I cut him off.
“No, I know I can’t be with you Physically,
but Ryan,
My Penis will be with you.”
And I laughed. I had a made a joke.
This was big,
I mean, Joking.
Joking - it’s hard - abstract thought - its another way of thinking.
This joke - My Penis - it demonstrated a new level of cognition.
******************Commentary***************************
After decades of education and a wide variety of experiences - from youth until this very day - I appreciate a “Penis Joke.” Genitalia are funny, male and female - peculiarly shaped organs that are responsible for the removal of waste and the creation of life - organs that instantly bring physical and emotional extremities of joy or pain decided by only slight variation in how they are handled - viewed with simultaneous repulsion and attraction - a necessary part of our humanity, yet considered taboo in many cultures. I find this amalgamation of contradictions hilarious - and being in my late teen years at the time of my accident, I was at the ideal age for the infamous “penis jokes”.
Is there an awkward moment? - Say “Penis” - and this amplifies said awkwardness to a comical degree. Laugh about it.
Laughter is a blessing - a phonetically meaningless rumbling from the gut recognized as joyful throughout the world - honest laughter demonstrates a moment when the body, mind, and soul harmoniously vibrate in unity. In the scene above, with simple, shock based humor, I proclaim - “My penis will be with you!” - and we are given a reason to vibrate in laughter.
There is an understandable discomfort at the prospect of laughing in the face of tragedy - if a friend is in a dire situation it can seem disrespectful to dismiss their need with laughter - and if laughter spawns from any malicious or harmful impulse, then it is rude. But if laughter makes light of a situation thrown at us by the maelstrom of existence, humor can lessen the impact. Existence is funny, and too often we forget that - much comedy, after all, is merely tragedy viewed through a new lens. To quote the great comic performer Mel Brooks, “Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when YOU fall into an open manhole and die.”
We grant personal existence with an exaggerated importance, and its well that we do - belief in personal importance is a part of what makes us want to survive, but the truth of the matter is that much, most, or perhaps all of life is a cosmic comedy when observed from afar…it is just hard to recognize this in middle of the scene.
All that is to say - when tragedy strikes and you are given a moment to laugh, take it - not as mockery of the suffering person, but laugh at the comedy of life. Share that laughter - friends, family - vibrate together.
That said, this first entry back is rather light hearted - help us to ease back into the material - I hope you enjoy.
**********Scene 13 - My Penis Will be with You*************
After I returned, my recovery continued rapidly.
We still had visitors at the hospital, though not in the same numbers as before,
and my best friend Ryan remembers one time when he came to visit me.
And it was weird.
I mean, here’s my best friend and he’s alive, but…
Well, he and I, we used to talk about things, you know, Talk, like…you know…
Books, Music,
Movies,
Chicks - we would Talk,
and here he is, having trouble forming complete sentences…
and it was weird.
My father sat in the corner, and he saw that it was hard for Ryan, but…
Well, it came time for Ryan to leave, and he stood to go, but I said,
“Wait, Ryan, where are you going?”
“Uhh…dude, I got to go I got, uh, band rehearsal.”
“Wait for me. I’m want to go with you.”
Ryan, uncomfortable.
He knew I couldn’t actually go with him - that I had to stay here in the hospital, but did I know that?
He looked to my father for help, and my father quickly stood, coming over to say that what I wanted to do was nice by Ryan….
But I cut him off.
“No, I know I can’t be with you Physically,
but Ryan,
My Penis will be with you.”
And I laughed. I had a made a joke.
This was big,
I mean, Joking.
Joking - it’s hard - abstract thought - its another way of thinking.
This joke - My Penis - it demonstrated a new level of cognition.
******************Commentary***************************
After decades of education and a wide variety of experiences - from youth until this very day - I appreciate a “Penis Joke.” Genitalia are funny, male and female - peculiarly shaped organs that are responsible for the removal of waste and the creation of life - organs that instantly bring physical and emotional extremities of joy or pain decided by only slight variation in how they are handled - viewed with simultaneous repulsion and attraction - a necessary part of our humanity, yet considered taboo in many cultures. I find this amalgamation of contradictions hilarious - and being in my late teen years at the time of my accident, I was at the ideal age for the infamous “penis jokes”.
Is there an awkward moment? - Say “Penis” - and this amplifies said awkwardness to a comical degree. Laugh about it.
Laughter is a blessing - a phonetically meaningless rumbling from the gut recognized as joyful throughout the world - honest laughter demonstrates a moment when the body, mind, and soul harmoniously vibrate in unity. In the scene above, with simple, shock based humor, I proclaim - “My penis will be with you!” - and we are given a reason to vibrate in laughter.
There is an understandable discomfort at the prospect of laughing in the face of tragedy - if a friend is in a dire situation it can seem disrespectful to dismiss their need with laughter - and if laughter spawns from any malicious or harmful impulse, then it is rude. But if laughter makes light of a situation thrown at us by the maelstrom of existence, humor can lessen the impact. Existence is funny, and too often we forget that - much comedy, after all, is merely tragedy viewed through a new lens. To quote the great comic performer Mel Brooks, “Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when YOU fall into an open manhole and die.”
We grant personal existence with an exaggerated importance, and its well that we do - belief in personal importance is a part of what makes us want to survive, but the truth of the matter is that much, most, or perhaps all of life is a cosmic comedy when observed from afar…it is just hard to recognize this in middle of the scene.
All that is to say - when tragedy strikes and you are given a moment to laugh, take it - not as mockery of the suffering person, but laugh at the comedy of life. Share that laughter - friends, family - vibrate together.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
My Plans...
It’s
vacation time! And I’m gone or the next month - thus, I will not be posting for
a while. That said, it serendipitous-ly
happened that my vacations plans aligned with my completion of the first act
commentary in this blog, and this seems like a good time to lay out my future
plans for this blog. I’m also asking for
your advice on how to complete these plans, so please read and comment…
My plan - After
completing this blog (commenting on every scene in “Who Am I, Again?”, I plan
to edit and arrange the articles into a book, published as both an e-book (free
download?) and as a hardcopy. My goal is
to publish with the help of a larger organization because, in tandem with this
publication, I want to arrange a national speaking tour focused around my
storytelling piece, “Who Am I, Again?”, that will include performances of the storytelling
piece as well as conversations with survivors following each presentation.
That’s what
I want to do, but I’m not sure how to do it – that’s where I need your advice. I have a lot to say that could benefit the rehabilitation
community, including some ideas for storytelling workshops that I’ll detail in
a future post, but I don’t know what organizations to contact to help me
publish or how to arrange the speaking tour.
This is
where you come in…
I’m gone for the next month and during this
time, I would greatly appreciate any advice or contacts you can pass on. Please leave messages in comments below or by
email (TBIlethan@hotmail.com).
Thanks for reading
and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Chat soon!
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Act Break
Act Break
********************************************************************************
As I began working with these stories as part of my graduate thesis, I realized that I had unintentionally divided the stories into three clear groupings that - to my mind - reminded me of a Three Act Play format -
Act 1: The Accident Act 2: Time in Hospital
Act 3: Home Recovery
I have found this organization useful in how I think about the work.
For that reason, when I perform Who Am I, Again, I have a scripted moment at the end of Act 1 where I take a drink of water. This action serves two purposes - First - I’m thirsty and want a drink of water
- but -
Second - to give the audience a moment to reflect upon what just happened. With that in mind, I’m going to take a moment in this entry to share my thoughts on Act 1 as a whole.
The intent of this act is to demonstrate the immediate effect of a brain injury upon lives in a community. We have recognized this theme several times throughout these reflections, so here, I won’t do more than mention that when a traumatic brain injury occurs, everyone is affected. With that established, I suggest that, while community members may feel the impact of such a tragedy in different ways, common emotional experiences unite these stories in a shared storyline. I use the situations presented in “Who Am I, Again?” as a specific example of how this occurs, but I would love to expand my knowledge on the topic by learning your stories - please share in comments.
This sort of shared journey highlights the benefits of storytelling after such a tragedy - by sharing stories with people who have gone through similar journeys, storytellers and listeners are able to recognize common experiences through the journey of recovery - common experiences and emotions can be recognized and appreciated.
There are many books focused on personal stories after brain injury - and I don’t mean to imply that any of these stories are anything less than wonderful - but I believe that the physical performance-action of storytelling does something more than either reading or penning an experience. Below are three examples of what storytelling adds.
First, storytelling is a dynamic, live experience - each presentation of a story will be altered by the situation. In an unscripted (yet still prepared) presentation, the storyteller may be moved by unexpected memories that emerged as the events of the story are shared, or words that leak from the tellers mouth may enlighten an unexpected moment. If the story is scripted (as is “Who Am I, Again?”), the performer may provide a different emphasis to the words, or stumble across a forgotten memory about the experience that emerges through repeated retellings. These variations can help the storyteller to gain more insights into his or her personal story as well as allow listeners receive new insights from the piece, even if they have heard a story multiple times.
Second, the intention of storytelling is to create a dialogue between the storyteller and the listeners. This allows for feedback from the audience to inform a storyteller about his or her own story as the experience is shared. This feedback may come from observing the reactions of the audience during the story or through discussion after the performance - either way, hearing how other people react can help to create a clearer understanding of the events for the audience and the storyteller. In tandem with the storyteller listening to the audience, a live event provides the audience with an opportunity to share their reactions and perhaps encourage elaboration on a moment that caused confusion. This form of feedback requires interaction between the audience and the performer - perhaps in a discussion planned after a performance or through informal interaction - but this sort of interaction (formal or informal) is not hard to arrange.
Finally (for this article), because storytelling is a live performance, it inspires a different sort of concentration and attention from listeners - we tend to pay more attention when the performer is directly in front of us. To draw a parallel, you will almost certainly pay more attention to a live concert than an album you downloaded - you may love the album, but even if you insist on stopping everything else in your life to just sit and listen to the album, there’s a clearly a different sort of attention - one that triggers multiple senses - given to musicians onstage. Watching a live performance of a story encourages audience members to pay more attention to the details of the work.
These are three things that a storytelling performance will allow that is different than what relating a personal story using other mediums allows. I do not suggest that storytelling is “better” than books or recordings, just that storytelling provides a set of conditions that allows for different types of introspective exploration by the performer as well as listeners.
When studying for my graduate degree in the Art of Storytelling, it was often said: “We all live the same story, its just the details that are different.” By sharing stories, we can develop better sense of common themes and the emotional experiences that accompany a recovery, and thereby come to better understand our own details.
Those are my thoughts. I look forward to reading your thoughts below.
********************************************************************************
As I began working with these stories as part of my graduate thesis, I realized that I had unintentionally divided the stories into three clear groupings that - to my mind - reminded me of a Three Act Play format -
Act 1: The Accident Act 2: Time in Hospital
Act 3: Home Recovery
I have found this organization useful in how I think about the work.
For that reason, when I perform Who Am I, Again, I have a scripted moment at the end of Act 1 where I take a drink of water. This action serves two purposes - First - I’m thirsty and want a drink of water
- but -
Second - to give the audience a moment to reflect upon what just happened. With that in mind, I’m going to take a moment in this entry to share my thoughts on Act 1 as a whole.
The intent of this act is to demonstrate the immediate effect of a brain injury upon lives in a community. We have recognized this theme several times throughout these reflections, so here, I won’t do more than mention that when a traumatic brain injury occurs, everyone is affected. With that established, I suggest that, while community members may feel the impact of such a tragedy in different ways, common emotional experiences unite these stories in a shared storyline. I use the situations presented in “Who Am I, Again?” as a specific example of how this occurs, but I would love to expand my knowledge on the topic by learning your stories - please share in comments.
This sort of shared journey highlights the benefits of storytelling after such a tragedy - by sharing stories with people who have gone through similar journeys, storytellers and listeners are able to recognize common experiences through the journey of recovery - common experiences and emotions can be recognized and appreciated.
There are many books focused on personal stories after brain injury - and I don’t mean to imply that any of these stories are anything less than wonderful - but I believe that the physical performance-action of storytelling does something more than either reading or penning an experience. Below are three examples of what storytelling adds.
First, storytelling is a dynamic, live experience - each presentation of a story will be altered by the situation. In an unscripted (yet still prepared) presentation, the storyteller may be moved by unexpected memories that emerged as the events of the story are shared, or words that leak from the tellers mouth may enlighten an unexpected moment. If the story is scripted (as is “Who Am I, Again?”), the performer may provide a different emphasis to the words, or stumble across a forgotten memory about the experience that emerges through repeated retellings. These variations can help the storyteller to gain more insights into his or her personal story as well as allow listeners receive new insights from the piece, even if they have heard a story multiple times.
Second, the intention of storytelling is to create a dialogue between the storyteller and the listeners. This allows for feedback from the audience to inform a storyteller about his or her own story as the experience is shared. This feedback may come from observing the reactions of the audience during the story or through discussion after the performance - either way, hearing how other people react can help to create a clearer understanding of the events for the audience and the storyteller. In tandem with the storyteller listening to the audience, a live event provides the audience with an opportunity to share their reactions and perhaps encourage elaboration on a moment that caused confusion. This form of feedback requires interaction between the audience and the performer - perhaps in a discussion planned after a performance or through informal interaction - but this sort of interaction (formal or informal) is not hard to arrange.
Finally (for this article), because storytelling is a live performance, it inspires a different sort of concentration and attention from listeners - we tend to pay more attention when the performer is directly in front of us. To draw a parallel, you will almost certainly pay more attention to a live concert than an album you downloaded - you may love the album, but even if you insist on stopping everything else in your life to just sit and listen to the album, there’s a clearly a different sort of attention - one that triggers multiple senses - given to musicians onstage. Watching a live performance of a story encourages audience members to pay more attention to the details of the work.
These are three things that a storytelling performance will allow that is different than what relating a personal story using other mediums allows. I do not suggest that storytelling is “better” than books or recordings, just that storytelling provides a set of conditions that allows for different types of introspective exploration by the performer as well as listeners.
When studying for my graduate degree in the Art of Storytelling, it was often said: “We all live the same story, its just the details that are different.” By sharing stories, we can develop better sense of common themes and the emotional experiences that accompany a recovery, and thereby come to better understand our own details.
Those are my thoughts. I look forward to reading your thoughts below.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Scene 12 - It's Not Your Time
**************Scene 12 - It's Not Your Time*************************************
For Tony,
Well like I said, I don’t actually remember the day of accident,
but I remember just AS the accident was happening -
Waking up - I’m in my car
Though the windshield I see the front of my car smashing into this
Roadside embankment,
while the back wheels of my car keep pushing forward, pushing the center of my car straight Up,
throwing Me straight up
though the roof of my car,
straight UP
into the air
Up a good two…three thousand kilometers - and I remember getting into this line.
It’s a long line,
but I’m about halfway through, and its moving fast,
doesn’t take
And I remember at the front of the line is this Big man,
I mean, he’s strong, he’s-
He’s an angel.
And he looks to me, says, “It’s not your time yet.”
And I remember falling -
wind rushing past my face -
I look down I see the Earth -
The World getting larger - Larger
and I remember SLAMMING into my body.
When I woke, I had been in a coma for 9 months.
*************************************************************************
As a storyteller, I love this scene - the powerful imagery - shock at being thrown through the roof of the car…wonder at arriving to Heaven’s waiting room…horrific grander when falling toward earth - each creating a dynamic picture. Whenever I perform this scene, I revel in the frames as they pass through the movie reel of my mind. Verbally painting these pictures for an audience is a pleasure and a privilege.
That said, when observing this experience from the frame of strictly rational inquiry, the “reality” of this scene could be called into question. Please note, as of yet, no-one has actually called the truth of this scene into question, but the fantastic images really beg the question - did this really happen?
To which I respond, does it matter?
The objective “reality” of Tony’s situation is irrelevant - we cannot refute his experience - it is not our experience. This memory clearly has an effect on Tony’s character, therefore it must have some sort of reality, even if that reality is only in his mind. In truth, the only “reality” any memory can have is in the mind - and the way it affects a person is dependent upon the story constructed around that memory.
That said, this story realizes a truth after brain injury - if you survive a serious injury, brain injury or otherwise, it is necessarily true that you have survived. Be this the result of fate, destiny, biological luck, or something else, the result is the same - “It’s not your time…” - you are alive.
In a previous entry (Scene 6: God’s Lap), we discussed one’s necessary decision after a traumatic incident:
to accept the accident/situation and work with the new reality
or
to attempt to deny what happened and returned to life as it was.
This scene has a more fatalistic tone - for Tony, “it’s not your time…”. Whether he was fated to keep living or simply not to die is irrelevant - he has woken into a new existence and he has decisions to make.
For Tony,
Well like I said, I don’t actually remember the day of accident,
but I remember just AS the accident was happening -
Waking up - I’m in my car
Though the windshield I see the front of my car smashing into this
Roadside embankment,
while the back wheels of my car keep pushing forward, pushing the center of my car straight Up,
throwing Me straight up
though the roof of my car,
straight UP
into the air
Up a good two…three thousand kilometers - and I remember getting into this line.
It’s a long line,
but I’m about halfway through, and its moving fast,
doesn’t take
And I remember at the front of the line is this Big man,
I mean, he’s strong, he’s-
He’s an angel.
And he looks to me, says, “It’s not your time yet.”
And I remember falling -
wind rushing past my face -
I look down I see the Earth -
The World getting larger - Larger
and I remember SLAMMING into my body.
When I woke, I had been in a coma for 9 months.
*************************************************************************
As a storyteller, I love this scene - the powerful imagery - shock at being thrown through the roof of the car…wonder at arriving to Heaven’s waiting room…horrific grander when falling toward earth - each creating a dynamic picture. Whenever I perform this scene, I revel in the frames as they pass through the movie reel of my mind. Verbally painting these pictures for an audience is a pleasure and a privilege.
That said, when observing this experience from the frame of strictly rational inquiry, the “reality” of this scene could be called into question. Please note, as of yet, no-one has actually called the truth of this scene into question, but the fantastic images really beg the question - did this really happen?
To which I respond, does it matter?
The objective “reality” of Tony’s situation is irrelevant - we cannot refute his experience - it is not our experience. This memory clearly has an effect on Tony’s character, therefore it must have some sort of reality, even if that reality is only in his mind. In truth, the only “reality” any memory can have is in the mind - and the way it affects a person is dependent upon the story constructed around that memory.
That said, this story realizes a truth after brain injury - if you survive a serious injury, brain injury or otherwise, it is necessarily true that you have survived. Be this the result of fate, destiny, biological luck, or something else, the result is the same - “It’s not your time…” - you are alive.
In a previous entry (Scene 6: God’s Lap), we discussed one’s necessary decision after a traumatic incident:
to accept the accident/situation and work with the new reality
or
to attempt to deny what happened and returned to life as it was.
This scene has a more fatalistic tone - for Tony, “it’s not your time…”. Whether he was fated to keep living or simply not to die is irrelevant - he has woken into a new existence and he has decisions to make.
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