Predictions of Rage

  Rage is an issue for me.  It has been for all my life, but especially since my brain injury.  It’s taken a lot of work, but now I am at least conscious of the dangers rage can create, and I am actively working on finding ways calm any impulses, yet there have been times when it seems that I foresee when a rage will consume me — as if I can predict the future.  It’s a vision in my head that dictates what will occur to ignite my temper.  I do not have this sort of vision often, anymore, but when such a vision does find me it will almost inevitably come true.

Since I’ve recognized that this premonition occurs, absurd questions have popped up.  Am I psychic?  Can I predict the future?  Is there any way to use this talent to make some money?

Recently, a rage struck me.  It was not in anyway dangerous — no one was harmed, no relationships were damaged, but I did used crude, immature language toward another person because the company that person worked for was attempting to cheat me out of several hundred US dollars — I ordered a product that wasn’t delivered and the company acknowledged that the product wasn’t delivered, but they were not refunding my payment.  There was legitimate reason to be angry.  As the situation began to play out I had a vision, and I knew exactly what I would say to this person if they didn’t adhere to the guarantees that had been promised.  I envisioned exactly how the rage would strike and what venom would spew from my tongue.  This was repeated many times on the movie screen of my mind, and at times it would even inspire me to vocalize my anger as I expressed myself to the walls of my apartment with passionate tones, as if I was shouting at the villain while watching a TV program.  And it was very much like criticizing the TV because my vocalizations had no effect — there was nothing I could do to stop it — as it was a vision of what would occur.

So when the worker contacted me to give me bad information, as predicted, and reported the company’s hesitancy in refunding the payment I made, and my vision came true.  The words that had been screened in my mind dozens of times were recited with exactly the same vehemence I had foreseen.  My vision came to pass and I verbally raged at this person.  The immature spite that spewed out didn’t change anything, for better or worse, but it did stain my name.

I am ashamed and embarrassed when a rage strikes.  As I said, I am working to calm these impulses, so when this happened I asked, why?  How could I predict this?  If I had foreseen such an action, why couldn’t I stop it?

In the hope of calming my anger and deciphering answers to my questions, I went for a run.  It was a terrible run, for anger had already drained my body of energy, but as my feet pounded the pavement, I pondered through possible reasons for my loss of control.  Again and again my feet hit the road and again and again potential reasons scrolled through my mind.

As I said, the run was not good, but I did run, and I was able to do some sort of run because I had done it before.  Again and again.  It is a habit of mine.

Again and again.  The reasons for my rage played in my mind.  It was a habit.

Realization!

My “vision” had been playing continuously in my head.  Again and again.  I hadn’t predicted my rage, I had rehearsed it.  My mind had used what was known to anticipate what would likely happen, and then concocted a response based on my history — I had a history of rage, so it assumed I would rage.  With this decision made, the scene that might happen was played with obsessive repetition and ingrained itself in my memory.  Therefore, when the reality revealed itself to be close to what had been predicted — the introduction to the scene — I knew exactly how to act in order to make the “vision” come true.  I said my lines, flailed my arms, and appeared as an ass.

I don’t like that, and my recognition of this tendency allows me to make a choice.  When my mind predicts a shameful response to some situation, I must be aware, and instead of accepting the scene as a prediction, I can decide what alternatives might occur.  How can the scene play out in a manner that doesn’t cause disgrace?  This is not to suggest that I ignore my anger, but instead of allowing it to fester and evolve into a grotesque rage, I can create a scenario that expresses my discontent in a reasonable manner.  By allowing this passive response to play on repeat in my head, I can rehearse what will happen, and through rehearsal habituate this sort of response.

I can make the choice to change my “visions”.  Sure, they will be less dramatic, but this will allow me to live a more joyous, reasonable future, one without moments of embarrassing and damaging rage.

I share this experience because I have heard other people comment on how a situation, “played out exactly as terribly as expected.”  If this sort of premonition ever happens to you, I challenge you to face that prediction and try to expect something else.  Rehearse a different set of actions in your head and see if you can choose a healthier, happier way to live.