Scene 14B - Sarah's Past

*************Scene 14B - Sarah's Past*********************

Please note, this entry is a continuation of the commentary for scene 14 - if you haven’t read the previous posting, I suggest you do.  But now to continue…

In the last entry we spoke about commitment to positivity and how this mindset can benefit a recovery process (in this case, Sarah’s recovery).  We will now look at the negativity she recognizes that quickly chases after her positive attitude and the dangers she feels it brings.

In the scene above, after proclaiming her plan of positivity, Sarah is quick to state that part of her motivation for this commitment is a fear of negativity - “because negative energy, it will RUIN you.”  This makes sense - if a positive attitude helps a person, it seems to follow that negative energy will harm a person - yet Sarah doesn’t reflect upon this negative energy as something that exists as part of her recovery - instead she views this negativity as something that hangs on to her from her past experiences.  Sarah does not remember much from her past, but the memory of a negative attitude and a negative life view stays with her - and she wants to be done with it.  No more negativity in Sarah’s life - now she wants a life of only positive energy!

My feelings on this are mixed.  As previously discussed in this blog, a person will necessarily change after brain injury and one should not insist on returning to former attitudes or abilities.  But here’s where the process of change becomes even more confusing - while change is likely, there cannot be an expectation of change.  A recovery will always have unexpected outcomes - any multitude of preferences, attitudes, habits, and personality traits are just as likely to change as to not change - an attempt to steer one’s re-formation of identity as part of the healing process is unfair to the survivor and almost certain to have disappointing results.

A potential counter argument might be that brain injury can be looked at as a gift - of sorts - an opportunity to mold a healthier, more productive (positive) identity.  Trauma inspiring positive change is not unheard of and can be wonderful, but to approach recovery with a goal of change invites failure.

The above scene is a tricky example of this conflict - trying to change vs. trying to accept who one is.  For whatever reason, Sarah remembers being depressed - her self-destructive attitude - when she is listening to Tory Amos (a melancholy, pop pianist popular in the mid 1990s).  As part of her recovery, she has come to recognize dangers in depression inspired self-destructive behavior, and therefore wants to “fix” this part of herself.  One of her triggers, it seems, is the music of Tori Amos, and for this reason she attempts to remove that music from her life.  Sarah’s motivation is pure and her logic is not flawed, but I believe that attempting to suppress this part of herself - to “put a lid on it”, so to speak - will cause the more dangerous elements of her personality to brew and perhaps burst out of containment in sudden, potentially more harmful manners.  You can see those inner impulses seeping out for just a moment at the end of the scene - “but Still I hear Tori’s music and…” - but then the lid is snapped back and once more the “harmful” memory is repressed.

As of now, this is what reflecting on this scene brings up in me - I’m still working with some of the ideas, so I don’t consider this article completely finished yet.  With that in mind, I would love to hear your thoughts, agreements, counter arguments…please share with your friends and leave a comment below.