Scene 16 - My First Memory

 *****************Scene 16 - My First Memory*************

Now, my first memory, it’s just a flash - a picture in my head,
but
I remember I’m sitting in my wheelchair at Magee Rehabilitation,
my best friend Ryan is sitting across from me, and we’re -
talking about something -
and my parents and Ryan’s parents and standing by the window,
the afternoon sunlight is streaming in,
and they’re Laughing about…
something

I don’t know what they’re laughing at -
don’t remember what Ryan and I are actually talking about,
like I said, its just a picture in my head,

But I’ve Described this picture to the people who were there,
and They DO remember what was happening because I had just told my first story,
well, Ryan and I were telling it together -

I began with me telling a dream I had had in which my favorite rock band,
the band Phish,
had decided to throw a charity concert at Magee Rehabilitation Hospital,
and because it was my dream, they decided to throw the concert in My room,

and here Ryan jumps and says that if they’re playing the concert in my room, I should be allowed to jam with them,
and so I ask the keyboardist if I can sit in, and he says “Sure, why not.”

so I sit down at the piano and we begin this 7 hour
musical improvisation,
that explores the depths of the question What is Music,

continuing until Dogs
begin to climb out of the piano,
all sizes,
dogs just, woof woof
start chasing everyone around

so the drummer needs to step out from behind the drums,
pull out his, uh
vacuum cleaner,
use the hose to just SUCK up the dogs,

Now the guitarist, Trey,
he’s Freaking out so bad the bassist just needs to turn to him, says,
“Hey, Trey man, mellow.”

Meanwhile I’m flying overhead,
like this - Superman -
watching all this chaos unfold…

and I’ve been told that this first story was…
interesting…

*****************************************************************************

Memories are stories. 

We remember events - create memories - because we compose a narrative structure that entwines moments together and this allows the infinite collection of sensory information to exist as a simplified, comprehensible package of cause/effect relationships.

Memories are these stories that we create.

Even memories that serve a function - remembering to brush your teeth or your schedule for the day - are held because they are attached to some story - the parable of the girl who got terrible cavities and lost her teeth - or the future storyline of what you anticipate tomorrow’s events will be.  Granted, habitual action is often not recognized as being attached to a story, but if you delve into the question of Why you do an action, there’s a story behind it, sometimes, simply a story of tradition - my family comes from a long line of people who use toothpaste at least twice a day.

Now, the extent to which all information we retain in our minds is this story form of memory can be debated - there can be discussion of alternative forms of physical or emotionally subconscious recollection of information, but for this posting - discussing a conscious memory of an event - I hold that when a person says “I remember when ‘Event X’ happened”, that person is necessarily referring to a story based memory - a story the person has created with or without outside influence. 

This is important to recognize because the scene presented above has been dubbed the first memory I had after the accident - and it remains in my mind as the series of images and emotional sensations described above - but I suggest that the reason that this remains my “first memory” is because I have so clearly (and some might say eloquently) composed a literary/oral story containing these events that is easily accessed because of its memorable content and repeated tellings.  Had this moment not been so clearly codified, I suggest that it would have drifted away to bask amid the aether of past consciousnesses in a similar way the memory of my breakfast on April 18th, 2013 is no longer with us.

Granted, that first memory after my trauma is imbued with substantially more significance than breakfast on a random day, and even had I not composed a storytelling piece there is a chance I would continue to find moments of this memory returning, but it is far less likely. 

You’ll also notice that the event which my brain first recalled was an event that contained some out-of-the-norm moments - stories tend to form around such out-of-the-norm moments, and although during my early recovery I did not recall the details of this story, when interviewed my friends and family were quick to remember what was happening.  I believe this is due to the fact that the situation lent itself to a simple story form.  Furthermore, I hypothesize that my mind decided to “hit record” at this moment because it naturally attempted to format this situation into a story for retelling, though at the time my mind had difficulty cementing the majority of details in an easily accessible storage bank.

Please note, in most cases I do not think we consciously compose stories so that we can recall events - instead, I hold that the human mind has evolved to embrace stories and, commonly without prompting, naturally arranges experience into story form - not necessarily interesting or highly refined stories, but simple stories nonetheless.  This is just how our memory works.

Having established that memory is a story, it is also important to recognize that memories are not static - memories change over time as the story becomes revised and/or new information is discovered.  We can also choose to “adjust memories” by telling the story to ourselves in a different way.  By revising or “rewriting” a story, a person is able to come to a different understanding of past events and potentially sooth anger, pain, or frustration that remains trapped within an memory and causes stagnation of personal growth.

This is a powerful tool - using investigative and/or creative reasoning combined with our story-susceptible minds to alter one’s memory - and I will pause here to acknowledge that this can be a dangerous tool.  One can easily imbue memories with false events or interpretations - positive or negative - that leave one susceptible to alluring and/or dangerous situations, and insisting upon a fallaciously positive interpretation of abuses is a danger that must be recognized.  I cannot comment further on this, as this is not my area of study, but I do want to be clear that I recognize that, as with many powerful tools, adjusting one’s interpretation of memories has potential for both good and danger.

That acknowledged, I want to recognize a way that this ability can be beneficial after a trauma and to show how personal storytelling can help in this process.  Please know, when I use terms such as “storytelling” or “storyteller”, I do not mean to imply this is a story for public presentation - the pressures of a performance may place stress upon a person and hinder the story formation process.  A story is an individual’s construction that may be shared as public art or for individual therapy as the storyteller wishes, though I do encourage some small, informal sharing of the story with close family, friends, or perhaps a councilor to achieve the full benefit of this process.

That said…

By recognizing that a memory is a story, a person is better able to objectify an experience - it is no longer a personal experience, but the experience of the narrator (who just happens to be the storyteller).  This helps to remove the storyteller (who experienced a trauma) from the immediacy of a painful memory - helping to see the experiences as events that happened, but are no longer happening.

Furthermore, a story requires certain structural elements - beginning, middle, end, and some sort of cause-effect relationship that allows the events to be understood.  Placing this requirement upon oneself allows the storyteller to understand the sequence of events that resulted in a trauma or caused difficulties in a recovery - no longer is it just - “Shit happens” - but becomes “This is why this particularly shit happened.”  By creating a logic largely based upon fact - though possibly dressed with some artistic embellishment - a storyteller is able to better see the whole of a situation surrounding a painful memory.  This helps the storyteller to move away from the idea of this event “being a terrible thing that happened to me” and seeing that said event affected many people, and the storyteller’s experience is part of a far greater picture - the aim not being to minimize a storyteller’s personal experience, but to move away from an egocentric focus that can develop after a tragedy.

Furthermore, by objectifying a story, a storyteller can more easily see why other people choose to react to events surrounding the storyteller’s trauma in a particular way.  The people who were part of the recovery experience after the tragedy become characters in a story, and by exploring these characters, the storyteller is able to understand or create a logic for their actions - providing characters with a reasonable, non-malicious motivation can help the storyteller recognize and empathize with characters that may have seemed confrontational or were viewed as “the enemy” while the initial events of the trauma were occurring.

For my experience, I found that the process of turning my events into a story allowed me to see how fortunate I was - I did go through a traumatic experience, but I lived.

I worked my ass off in recovery for years - formal therapeutic sessions as well as personal growth - and am still experiencing some effects of what I believe is from the brain trauma nearly two decades after the incident, but I am living.

The good fortune surrounding my recovery has been shared with me countless times, but it was by researching and creating a story that I was able to fully recognize and appreciate what my body and soul did and how necessary the countless professional and personal saviors were in this process.

I’ve also been able to bring some personal peace to how some relationships played out.  The most prominent of these is my relationship with my parents - I can better understand how they treated and tried to protect me in the years following my accident - why they restricted me in a manner contrary to what I felt was right.  Furthermore, I can more fully appreciate all they have done for me and how hard they worked to provide what they though was best. 

This is not meant to proclaim storytelling as a “fix it all” technique - nothing should be proclaimed as such - but it is a tool and can be deeply therapeutic if used properly.  Memories are personal creations we keep in our mind that having a strong effect on most decisions we make.  If we can use a tool - such as storytelling - to mold these memories in a manner that helps us make more beneficial decision, I suggest we use it.

Thems be my ideas on the subject.  What are yours?  Any questions?  Counter arguments?  Agreements?  Academic articles?  Personal examples of the benefits of storytelling? 

Leave comments below - I look forward to hearing from you.

Scene 15 (beginning) - I Don't Remember

********Scene 15 (beginning) - I Don't Remember************

I remember the first memory I remembered.

See, my recovery at Geisinger Medical Center was progressing rapidly, so they moved me to Magee Rehabilitation Hospital in Philadelphia,
and that’s where my memory returned.

******************************************************

I’m going to take this entry to pause on this moment - not a full scene, but just a moment in this scene…


“I remember the first memory I remembered…”


There is half a month of my conscious life wiped out of my mind after the accident.  I remember saying “goodbye” to my French teacher, and then I remember what occurs in the upcoming scene (a future blog entry) - which takes place 2 and 1/2 weeks later.  Thus, there is an extended blip in my personal timeline - like I was asleep - yet what intrigues me is that during the majority of this time, I was conscious.  After my 5 days in a coma, I was interacting with the world around me and operating with a full set of memories about the people with whom I was interacting - my family and friends.  What’s more, I was forming new memories concerning the doctors who were treating me and demonstrating at least some understanding of my situation.

Yet I have absolutely no memory of this.  All my time at Geisinger Medical center - there’s nothing.

And when my ability to sustain memories returned, there was no grand moment of revelation - no “Holy Shit, I can remember now!” - yet for some reason, my mind/soul/consciousness/being/WhatHaveYou picked this instant to press the record button on my personal timeline.

No idea why.

I’m not suggesting I want to remember these moments of early, conscious recovery - I’m sure there was a host of pains and anxieties that I can’t begin to comprehend prior to record being pressed, and I feel rather fortunate that I don’t remember.

There is a scientific explanation of internal processes beginning due to traumatic situations - Glucocorticoids being produced during a trauma which override the Hippocampus (the core memory system) in our brain - for survival purposes, our bodies don’t want to relive memories of extreme suffering, so these memories tend to get erased.  Please recognize, my explanation is grossly simplified, and I did find at least one paper that goes into the science of it (http://www.jneurosci.org/content/24/37/8161), but as a non-professional, it quickly becomes techno-babble - you, however, are welcome to go though this more detailed research and if you want to try to better explain it to me, please leave some comments and we can arrange a meeting/Skype.

As of yet, however, I haven’t found information that explains why our brain chooses particular moments to turn the memory back on.  Nor have I learned of any set of objective conditions that will trigger such a reaction - in truth I doubt that there is a way to document any objective conditions during a subjective experience of a trauma.

I also don’t know why, when I was at Geisinger hospital and surrounded by my close knit community of family and friends, my mind/soul/being choose not to remember.

I don’t have answers - only questions.

But its interesting.

Thoughts?  Please share below.

Scene 14B - Sarah's Past

*************Scene 14B - Sarah's Past*********************

Please note, this entry is a continuation of the commentary for scene 14 - if you haven’t read the previous posting, I suggest you do.  But now to continue…

In the last entry we spoke about commitment to positivity and how this mindset can benefit a recovery process (in this case, Sarah’s recovery).  We will now look at the negativity she recognizes that quickly chases after her positive attitude and the dangers she feels it brings.

In the scene above, after proclaiming her plan of positivity, Sarah is quick to state that part of her motivation for this commitment is a fear of negativity - “because negative energy, it will RUIN you.”  This makes sense - if a positive attitude helps a person, it seems to follow that negative energy will harm a person - yet Sarah doesn’t reflect upon this negative energy as something that exists as part of her recovery - instead she views this negativity as something that hangs on to her from her past experiences.  Sarah does not remember much from her past, but the memory of a negative attitude and a negative life view stays with her - and she wants to be done with it.  No more negativity in Sarah’s life - now she wants a life of only positive energy!

My feelings on this are mixed.  As previously discussed in this blog, a person will necessarily change after brain injury and one should not insist on returning to former attitudes or abilities.  But here’s where the process of change becomes even more confusing - while change is likely, there cannot be an expectation of change.  A recovery will always have unexpected outcomes - any multitude of preferences, attitudes, habits, and personality traits are just as likely to change as to not change - an attempt to steer one’s re-formation of identity as part of the healing process is unfair to the survivor and almost certain to have disappointing results.

A potential counter argument might be that brain injury can be looked at as a gift - of sorts - an opportunity to mold a healthier, more productive (positive) identity.  Trauma inspiring positive change is not unheard of and can be wonderful, but to approach recovery with a goal of change invites failure.

The above scene is a tricky example of this conflict - trying to change vs. trying to accept who one is.  For whatever reason, Sarah remembers being depressed - her self-destructive attitude - when she is listening to Tory Amos (a melancholy, pop pianist popular in the mid 1990s).  As part of her recovery, she has come to recognize dangers in depression inspired self-destructive behavior, and therefore wants to “fix” this part of herself.  One of her triggers, it seems, is the music of Tori Amos, and for this reason she attempts to remove that music from her life.  Sarah’s motivation is pure and her logic is not flawed, but I believe that attempting to suppress this part of herself - to “put a lid on it”, so to speak - will cause the more dangerous elements of her personality to brew and perhaps burst out of containment in sudden, potentially more harmful manners.  You can see those inner impulses seeping out for just a moment at the end of the scene - “but Still I hear Tori’s music and…” - but then the lid is snapped back and once more the “harmful” memory is repressed.

As of now, this is what reflecting on this scene brings up in me - I’m still working with some of the ideas, so I don’t consider this article completely finished yet.  With that in mind, I would love to hear your thoughts, agreements, counter arguments…please share with your friends and leave a comment below.

Scene 14 - Sarah's Future

****************Scene 14 - Sarah's Future******************

Sarah,
She Knows she can’t walk
can’t write, can’t Read

I know that I cannot Remember yesterday,
but I can keep getting better -
Keep on living
just, L-I-V-I-N
I just need to keep a Positive attitude,
Always looking forward -
Good energy,
because negative energy, it will RUIN you.

I know this because
before my accident, I was in a bad place,

Real depressed.
Hurting myself sometimes.
Listening to a lot of Tori Amos music.

And since the accident, I can’t remember much of anything,
but when I woke up, I remembered Tori’s music,
her words,

Now I have all her CDs so I put one in my Compact Disk player
and I began to sing her song and…

and it was
Sad,

made me, cry…

and That is not good for me,
so I took that CD and I broke it.
Snapped it right in half.
Then I looked for every Tori CD I could find and I broke them too.

but you know it’s funny.
I can’t,
can’t remember where I was yesterday,
what I ate,
sometimes the names of my children,
but Still I hear Tori’s music and…

But that is not Good for me.

************************************************

There’s a lot that happens in this scene, all of which deserve to be expanded upon.  For this reason I will break my reflections on this scene into two entries - the first about the importance of positivity, and the second (next posting) about the negativity that can easily follow.

To start - positivity - Sarah making the decision to heal.  Sarah approaches this decision with passion - accepting her condition but insisting on improving it - to paraphrase her thoughts, “I KNOW there is a long way to go, but I WILL assist my healing by keeping a positive attitude.”

Sarah’s commitment to healing is inspiring - and when I was involved with the Crumley House, the resident that inspired Sarah’s character would infect everyone with her insistence on a positive outlook.  She is focused on the Now - on what she can actively do to continue healing, and keeping a positive attitude is her decision to assist the healing process.

Can having a positive attitude improve healing?  According to recent medical research, the answer seems to be “Yes” - this must be qualified with a statement that a positive attitude does not cure diseases, create miracles, or work magic - but according to studies, there has been published proof that a positive attitude helps to reduce blood pressure, increase immune system response, and reduce pain levels. (http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2016/02/04/healing-thoughts.aspx)

Yet even if we discount this new research (as there is legitimate academic dispute about it), Sarah’s decision to keep and positive attitude and “keep L-I-V-I-N” can be interpreted in another manner - she has accepted the new circumstances in her life and realizes that she must adapt to her new life.  This does not necessarily mean biological healing, but can be interpreted as a decision to study, learn about and discovery how to make full use of her new abilities.  In the commentary to Scene 6, we discussed Sarah’s decision that she must make, suggesting that she must decide how will she accept and face her new reality.  This scene is an example of her making the choice to accept and make use of this new reality.

Unfortunately, the other side of positivity is negativity - and it hard to look at one side of the coin without at least glancing at the other.  After proudly proclaiming her positivity, Sarah stumbles into the dark negativity that hangs on from her past - we will discuss this negativity in the next entry.

Scene 13 - My Penis will be With You

I’m back.  Summer break is ending, and I hope you’ve had a great summer time.  After a wonderful vacation travel with my girlfriend, I’m excited to be home - getting ready to teach a new semester - and continue work with this blog.

That said, this first entry back is rather light hearted - help us to ease back into the material - I hope you enjoy.

**********Scene 13 - My Penis Will be with You*************

After I returned, my recovery continued rapidly.

We still had visitors at the hospital, though not in the same numbers as before,
and my best friend Ryan remembers one time when he came to visit me.

And it was weird.

I mean, here’s my best friend and he’s alive, but…

Well, he and I, we used to talk about things, you know, Talk, like…you know…

Books, Music,
Movies,
Chicks - we would Talk,
and here he is, having trouble forming complete sentences…

and it was weird.

My father sat in the corner, and he saw that it was hard for Ryan, but…

Well, it came time for Ryan to leave, and he stood to go, but I said,
“Wait, Ryan, where are you going?”

“Uhh…dude, I got to go I got, uh, band rehearsal.”

“Wait for me.  I’m want to go with you.”

Ryan, uncomfortable.

He knew I couldn’t actually go with him - that I had to stay here in the hospital, but did I know that?
He looked to my father for help, and my father quickly stood, coming over to say that what I wanted to do was nice by Ryan….

But I cut him off.

“No, I know I can’t be with you Physically,
but Ryan,
My Penis will be with you.”

And I laughed.

I had a made a joke.

This was big,
I mean, Joking.

Joking - it’s hard - abstract thought - its another way of thinking.

This joke - My Penis - it demonstrated a new level of cognition.

******************Commentary***************************

After decades of education and a wide variety of experiences - from youth until this very day - I appreciate a “Penis Joke.”  Genitalia are funny, male and female - peculiarly shaped organs that are responsible for the removal of waste and the creation of life - organs that instantly bring physical and emotional extremities of joy or pain decided by only slight variation in how they are handled - viewed with simultaneous repulsion and attraction - a necessary part of our humanity, yet considered taboo in many cultures.  I find this amalgamation of contradictions hilarious - and being in my late teen years at the time of my accident, I was at the ideal age for the infamous “penis jokes”.

Is there an awkward moment? - Say “Penis” - and this amplifies said awkwardness to a comical degree.  Laugh about it.

Laughter is a blessing - a phonetically meaningless rumbling from the gut recognized as joyful throughout the world - honest laughter demonstrates a moment when the body, mind, and soul harmoniously vibrate in unity.  In the scene above, with simple, shock based humor, I proclaim - “My penis will be with you!” - and we are given a reason to vibrate in laughter.

There is an understandable discomfort at the prospect of laughing in the face of tragedy - if a friend is in a dire situation it can seem disrespectful to dismiss their need with laughter - and if laughter spawns from any malicious or harmful impulse, then it is rude.  But if laughter makes light of a situation thrown at us by the maelstrom of existence, humor can lessen the impact.  Existence is funny, and too often we forget that - much comedy, after all, is merely tragedy viewed through a new lens.  To quote the great comic performer Mel Brooks, “Tragedy is when I stub my toe.  Comedy is when YOU fall into an open manhole and die.”

We grant personal existence with an exaggerated importance, and its well that we do - belief in personal importance is a part of what makes us want to survive, but the truth of the matter is that much, most, or perhaps all of life is a cosmic comedy when observed from afar…it is just hard to recognize this in middle of the scene.

All that is to say - when tragedy strikes and you are given a moment to laugh, take it - not as mockery of the suffering person, but laugh at the comedy of life.  Share that laughter - friends, family - vibrate together.